The Price to Pay
by Ebony Coleman
Summary: Ed deals with the people he's hurt and what he has done while trying to hide his habits from the people around him.Warning:Self Mutilation.
1. Thoughts

Disclaimer: I don't own.

Warnings: Talk of rape but nothing very graphic, self mutilation, spoilers, and maybe even gay sex later.

The Price to Pay

'_It's not all my fault!' _Edward Elric though desperately, trying to calm down.

'**Of course it is, Ed. It's your fault your brother's nothing more than a tin can. It's your fault Mrs. Hughes is a widow. So many terrible things, things that you did.' **Ed winced, frantically trying to fight back, to not lose like always.

'_No, no that wasn't my fault' _He was lying, he knew, but he didn't want to admit it.

'**You-what? It wasn't your fucking fault. It wasn't your fault that you convinced your brother that trying human transmutation was a good idea. Or better yet, it's not your fault Mr. Hughes got dragged into the secrets of the Philosopher's Stone, it's not your fault that he got in too deep and got killed because of it.' **He fell to the floor. It was nice, the cold, hard tile, it kept him from slipping away. It helped remind him he was locked in his bathroom, not in some memory.

'_No, that's not true-I never meant to-' _

'**Oh, you never meant to-I'm sure if you just explain that Al will get body back and Mrs. Hughes will get her husband back.' **The tone was dripping with malice and sarcasm. **'Wouldn't that be lovely Ed, if that were true. Then this wouldn't all be your fault.' **Ed was curled up in the fetal position, quivering, shaking his head back and forth.

'_No, No-' _

'**Admit it! Admit it's all your fault!' **

'_No just go away and leave me alone!' _

'**Why? So that way you don't have to pay for all that you've done!' **

'_I won't, I won't do it!' _Ed was losing himself. Losing like always, he didn't know why he even tried fighting it anymore.

'**Oh yes you will Ed, you don't have a choice, not with everything you've done. Not with all the people who have paid the price for your sins. It's your turn to pay.' **Ed tried to shut him out, but he couldn't he never could, unless he…

'**Nina and Rose you remember them don't you Ed.' **His eyes shot wide open in horror, he was shaking all over now.

"No, please, not them." Ed whispered, panicked.

'**Oh, you do remember.' **

'_I'll always remember. You won't let me forget.'_

'**How could I let you forget, what you've done is unforgivable! Nina, she was a child, just a little girl! Because of you, because you threatened Mr. Tucker's position, he turned Nina into a chimera. Then she got away, again because of you, and ran into Scar, who splattered her all over the walls.' **

'_Stop, please stop, don't say it, don't talk about __**Her**__.' _

'**Who, oh, Rose?' **This was it, he was going to lose and he knew it. However, he was ready, he was ready to pay the price.

'**You remember, she was happy Ed, she was happy until you came along. You stole her hope, you brought war to her city. Because of you she was captured, by the very military you work for and-' **

'_Don't say it, don't I'll do it, just don't say it!' _He was hysterically sobbing now.

'**No, to late, I'm going to finish this. She was captured beaten and raped, repeatedly, all because of you!' **

'_I know, I know, it's all my fault.' _The dry sobs had stopped. He was shaking still as he slowly got up off the floor.

'**That's right Ed, you know what you have to do.' **

Ed, finally standing, stepped over to the sink, not daring to look in the mirror. He opened the far right drawer, dug throw the band-aids and q-tips to the very back. Grabbing around, he finally found it. Edward pulled out the small piece of folded cloth and quietly shut the drawer. Setting it on the far too white counter, he carefully unfolded the cloth, to revel his only salvation, the only thing that made it all quiet again. It was so pretty, the way the sharp edge shined in the light. He picked it up, admiring it.

Edward placed it back on the cloth, and then took off his trench coat and over shirt. He looked at his left arm, so many scares, so many evil things he had done that he had to pay for. Grasping the blade in his right hand, he brought the razor blade to his wrist, a place he normally avoided, but not this time, not with all he had done, He pushed the blade hard against the side of his wrist, enjoying the feeling of his own pulse.

'_Al, Hughes, Nina, Rose-' _

Ed quickly pulled the blade across his wrist.

"I'm sorry."

He looked down at the counter, which was no longer white in most places. Sliding to the floor resting his back against the wall, Edward Elric smiled. Everything was quiet again.

* * *

Told you I wasn't doing well. Please review, it would mean a lot to me.


	2. Reflections

**Warning:** Self – Injury and massive confusion.

**Disclaimer: **Blah blah, don't own, blah blah

**READ or you will be confused as hell: **First off thank ThePatheticWriter for my sudden update she e-mailed me and asked me to so I did. Ok chapter one takes place sometime in Rizembool after the stone is made. The first part of this chapter takes place after Flame vs. Full before Scare starts killing people. Finally the present is after Al gets his body back and for my plot Ed is never stuck on the other side of the gate.

In case you haven't already notice this is going to be a confusing story with lots of jumping between past and present. I'm sorry if some of you get lost and eaten along the way.

Chapter 2

Reflections

_'Breath, just breath.' _ Desperately thought a hyperventilating Ed. It was night, he was at the military ball, it was a party, yet he was miserable. He had to run, so he did, he ran from the ballroom to one of the farther bathrooms. Once inside he dead bolted the door. _'Fuck, I can't breath! I need to calm down. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Your alone, there's no one here but you, so calm down.' _

'**Yes Ed do calm down. We wouldn't want Mustang to worry.' **He was still standing but barely, hanging on to the sink for support. The room was white with a random pattern of light blue and with tiles on the ground.

'_Shut up! Go away, I won't talk to you. 1..2..3..sinks, 1…2…3…4…-' _Edward had learned that counting helped to block out the voices, sometimes. Unfortunately this was not one of those times.

'**Oh don't think I didn't notice. You we're flirting with him! You would be one of his little sluts in a heart beat!' **Not this time, the voice was too strong this time.

'_Would not! I would never, not with him! He's a man, I am not gay!' _Still the breathing was erratic making him dizzy. **He** was laughing, how Ed hated that laugh, how much that laugh always scared him, what it meant was coming next.

'**Oh is that so? Is that why you let Mr. Tucker-'**

"Shut Up!" He yelled to nothing as he punched the mirror in front of him with his left fist. Shards fell to the sink and floor and…. '_Blood' _Edward looked; amazed at his hand, the gash across his knuckles that was streaming said chrisom substance. It was. …claming.

'_It's quite, I can't remember the last time it was this quiet.' _Wonderful so wonderful it was euphoric and in-out –in-out came steady unconscious breathing. There was no longer a voice, no flashes of memories, no feelings ripping up his insides screaming for out, there was simply nothing.

This was a first since Nina's death, something was always there, voices, memories, or just the uneasy that became torture at times. Voices once where nothing more than thoughts, but then became something worse, something that with each day, with each new glimpse of 'the real world' became stronger, uncontrollable. Uncontrollable… till now.

Edward sat in the now deadly quite bathroom, enjoying every second of the silence.

Present

'_It was suppose to get easier, not harder' _Edward Elric was locked in the same white and light blue bathroom, remembering that first night as he gazed almost mournfully at the small stainless stele razor in his hand. Three months, in Rizembool, three months of trying to help Al remember and playing him and Winry. In those three months he had not cut once, he was in a break. These were the weeks or months in which he tried not to, and then there were the binges in which he would spill his own blood with no remorse. Back and forth torn between what he knew was right and that which kept him sane. It was always hard and no it never did get any easier.

'_Why should I even exist? I mean, before I had to for Al to fix the wrong I had done, but know why should I ?' _This question had haunted him since he had woke up to find his brother whole. It filled him with emptiness _'They don't need me any more not Al not Winry, no one.' _

' **Oh come now Ed if you killed yourself who would be the Mustang's bitch?' **Edward glared at the wall. The peaceful blue dissolved leaving only the white the door, the sinks, stalls, had all gone. He wasn't in the bathroom any more. He was in the white room, **His **room.

'**Welcome back Ed.' **the blonde wiped around and took a step back from the man that had been directly behind him.

'_Hello Azen (as-in). And I'm no one's 'bitch'.' _Azen chuckled darkly, shaking his head. He was tall about the height Hugheshad been, with pale skin, stormy gray eyes, and slivery should length hair tied back except for a few stray hairs that hung over his eyes. He wore white slacks and shoes, with white button up shirt and a white vest with small round sliver buttons.

Azen was no longer a voice; he had a body and a world, one that wasn't real but his own world nonetheless. However never, not once did he ever take over for Ed, so you wouldn't call him an alternate personality either. No he was a reflection (1) the part of himself only he could see when he looked in the mirror.

'**Your right Ed, even a bitch has use. You on the other hand don't. How did that last mission go again, you couldn't find any leads as to the where abouts of the homunculi, could you?' **Azen smirked, he never asked questions he didn't already know the answer to.

'_Shut up, Azen. I have a report to give I'm leaving.' _Edward turned and began walking when he suddenly felt arms creep their way around him and close the distant between him and their owner. Struggling did little good the reflection was much stronger.

'**I know there is something you want to do before you give that report Edward.' **The whisper came as a hand caressed his face before a nail pierced his skin quickly form cheek bone nearly to jaw. Arms were gone as quickly as they had came and Ed found him self on the floor shivering. It felt so good and he hated himself for it.

'**I know and you there's no point in fighting it. Give in Ed and just enjoy it.' **With that said Azen turn and the foot steps faded just as the bathroom scenery came back into focus. The alchemist slowly pulled away from the cool tile floor. He put the blade back in his watch (2). His hand rubbed his cheek reminding him there was no blood, that it hadn't been really not how close to real it had felt. One last look in the mirror before leaving the bathroom, he still had a report to give.

I know it short but I haven't been writing so give me some slack.

1.That is what a friend and I call them. I mean almost any known term makes us sound crazy. Yes, I know I am nuts however I try to keep a semi-sane appearance, thank you.

2. Ed never wants any one to have or look at his watch I thought it made since for him to keep his razor blade there.

Now please review or might take another year to update.


	3. Count

**Warning:** Self – Injury and massive confusion.

**Disclaimer: **Blah blah, don't own, blah blah

Hey everybody, please don't kill me. I know I'm a horrible person for not updating sooner I will be working on it. I just have many things to take care of at the moment. Any way sorry for the wait.

**Count Back Down**

It was hard to breath and there was a shaking in his hands as he reached for the handle but like thousands of times before it Edward pushed all those feelings back and scowled as he entered the office.

"What do you want Mustang you already know I didn't find any thing new about the homunculus." They had caught Gluttony and he was in a special holding cell while investigations tried to track down his remains. Envy was who knows where, most likely on the other side of the gate and Wrath had just disappeared.

"Sit down Fullmetal, of course I already know that doesn't get you out of having to report to me. How is Al?" The now General Mustang asked in his normal cool business tone. _'I hate him. How can he always be so damn calm? What Exchange does he make?' _

"He's doing great. He can't remember much about when he was a suit of armor but with time he's getting those memories back." _'Why, why dose Al get to forget, he doesn't even remember Nina or Hughes! Why does he get to not remember all the sins committed to get his body back?' _

Roy could see the confusion in the blonde's eyes, his face still set in that smug smile but his eyes weren't matching that expression. _'What has shorty so troubled? Doesn't make since, I mean he should be happy they just got Al's body back. So then, why the inner turmoil?' _

"Yep, everything's great back in Rizembool. I was hoping to spend a week there before starting my next mission." Loud, energetic, and self-assured the Edward Elric everybody knew and loved. Or thought they knew, there was an underline sadness he tried to cover but the Flame alchemist had seen it too many times now to know it wasn't nothing.

"What's wrong, Elric?" For the shortest instant a look of all consuming horror flashed over his features but it was gone so quickly Roy wasn't sure if it was there in the first place.

"What the hell do you mean General?" _'Fuck! Clam down damn it! The last thing I need is for that Bastard to think anything might be wrong.' _"Why would anything be wrong?" **'That's right Ed nice big fake smile.'**_ 'Shut up, Azen!' _There it was again, the frightened and confused look for a second before vanishing, but it was there.

"Your right Fullmetal. Your free to leave, report back here in one week for your next mission assignment." The blonde stood and put his hands in his pockets to try to hide the shaking. _'Good your done just keep your cool and walk out of here.' _"And Edward-" He turned back to face the General smile still barely in place. " We will talk about why you feel the need to hide things from me at that time."

And in one quite moment the mask Ed had kept up for so long shattered. "We have nothing to talk about." The tone was cold and harsh, his eyes took on an emptiness Roy only saw after bloody battles, the same eyes he saw every night when he looked in the mirror when he was alone with his ghosts.

"Bullshit, just because your not looking for the stone any more doesn't mean that it's not still my responsibility to take care of you!" Showing fear is not acceptable, anger however…

"I don't need you to take care of me!" Edward took a step towards the desk eyes blazing with so much that had been locked up for so long.

"Like you didn't need me to pull you away from that wall when Nina died-" The general stood from his desk.

"Shut up." The barely audibly whisper fell from the young alchemist mouth.

'**He's right you know-'**_ 'Shu-' _

"Like you didn't need me to safe you from laboratory thirteen-" He made his way to the front of the desk.

'**You would have killed all those people if not-' **

"Shut up." _'Both of you!'_ Mustang definitely heard it that time but he didn't stop his assault.

"Like you didn't need me when you finally did create the philosophers stone-" He was only a few feet from Ed now.

'Your own little brother, you made him carry the died souls of thou- 

"Shut up, Azen!" The yell was so loud the officers down the hall must have heard. Startled, the General took a step back, _'Who the hell is Azen?'_ Edwards eyes widen in fear as he realized what he had just said. This was not good, slowly Ed tried to move towards the door.

"Fullmetal, sit down that's an order." He couldn't move, he couldn't think, he couldn't even breathe. His head started to spin, the corners of his vision began to fade _'Stop, make it stop!'_

'_Fuck he's having a panic attack!' _"Fullmetal" – nothing, no response aside from the teens breathing, which was reaching a hyperventilating speed. Mustang grasped the other alchemist by the shoulder and shook him, still nothing just the glazed over look of terror. _'Shit. Forgive me Edward.' _The General raised his hand and with as little effective force possible, slapped Ed across his left check.

In an instant it all stopped. Slowly, his breathing became normal and – thud – now he was sitting on the couch with Mustang in front of him down on his knees. _'Is he saying my name? And – are his hands on my face?' _His perplexed gaze was forced to meet his superiors as the older mans strong hands gently cupped his cheeks.

"Edward we are going to count to three and then count to six until we reach nine, okay?" Elric nodded as much as he could without breaking the comforting contact.

"1…2…3…1" and so they counted until they reached nine. By that time Ed could breath normally and was no longer in danger of slipping out of reality. The General let go and moved to sit beside him on the couch.

"If you tell anyone of this you will regret it." As the older man spoke, Edward's gaze was drawn to his commanding officers eyes. They seemed black, the blue gleam that normally occupied them was gone and his entire body seemed tensed. "After the war I was a wreck, I use to have anxiety attacks just like that." The General was the strongest person he knew; there was no way- "The only one who was there, the only one who ever see all that was wrong was Meas. There were a number of times he had to do what I just did to keep me from passing out or worse." He was told that Mustang didn't cry at the funeral but he had also heard that the man missed a few days of work here and there.

'_And I killed him, Hughes is died because of me.'_

"He saved me when I couldn't even save myself" Sadness, anger, bitterness all shone for a split second before being pushed back. "I did – hell I probably still drink too much, but you have to find something to hold on to, a dream, an ideal, a person-"

"I found the philosophers stone, I got my brother's body back, all I have left to do now is die." Suddenly Ed was no longer on the couch but a foot off the ground with a furious Flame alchemist suspending him by his shirt collar.

"Don't you ever say or even think that again, do you understand me Edward?" Still in shock, the blonde gave a quick nod before he was half placed, half dropped back down on the couch. Mustang turned back to the desk when he heard the question scarcely spoken above a whisper.

"Why?" The General turned back to his subordinate. "Nina and Hughes died because of me. My brother spent years as a suit of armor because of me! So tell me why should I live while they died!" He wasn't sure when but at some point in time he had stood up and walked to only a foot or so in front of the General.

"So tell me why it isn't okay. I fucking deserve it after all that I've done, Rose was raped because of me, a whole city gone, so tell me why I can't die! And don't you dare try to give me that 'people need you' shit! Al and Winry are so into each other they barely noticed I left and the military would be fine with one less dog."

Fullmetal raised his rage filled gaze to that of the Flame's which held only sadness. Then unexpectedly Mustang did something he had wanted to do since the night he first met the young man, he wrapped both arms around him and pulled that scared confused young man into the kind of hug he should have gotten when he was a child.

"Because I, Roy Mustang, not the General, and not the Flame Alchemist needs you Edward Elric not the Fullmetal Alchemist and not the genius son of Hoehiem of light but short-as-his-temper Ed. You are the only one who sees some of the things I try to hide, you always figure everything out and you can understand more than you should. You are the only thing that seems real anymore."

The embrace lasted for what seemed like forever Edward was too shocked and far too content to move and Roy didn't want to be the one to pull away, no, he would stay there all day and night if that was what other alchemist needed or wanted.

"I'm not…" Edward pulled away just enough to no longer be touching and looked up at the General with stubborn eyes that refused to let the tears fall. Mustang didn't say a word, he just gave him a questioning, pleading look. _'Let me help you, Ed.' _

'Don't you dare-' 

"If you knew what I really was-who I really am, you would hate me." Edward tried to turn away but Roy his shoulder.

"Try me Edward. I've done horrible things in my life; I've killed children for holding guns and innocent doctors for treating everyone and anyone who needed it. I killed your best friends parents, because I was ordered to do so." The blonde's mouth dropped in shock. This was the first time he heard who exactly was responsible-no who actually killed Winry's parents. "Do you hate me?" Ed paused for a moment to think about all he had just heard and all the other things he already knew about the man before him.

"No"

"Then talk to me Edward. Let me get to know the real you."

'**Go on ahead Ed, show him your arm and get locked up in a damn mental hospital. Or better yet lose your plush position as Mustang's bitch, I mean dog. And if that's not good enough how about you tell him all about Tucker." **

'_Shut up!' _

"Edward-"Sharp, short rapid knocks came at the office door.

"General Mustang, sir, sorry for the interruption but the Assembly is requesting all Generals to be at the session in five minutes."

"Shit, thank you Major Hawkeye I will be out in a second, you're dismissed." _'Why wasn't I told sooner!' _Relief washed over the eldest Elric as he realized this was his chance to leave without saying a word.

"We will continue this conversation after-"

"My train leaves in two hours." Mustang scowled before walking back to his desk. The General pulled out a pen and note pad, then jotted down something Ed could not see from were he was standing.

"This-" Roy said as the held out the small piece of paper. "-is my home and officenumber. You are to call me as soon as you arrive and tomorrow when you wake up and again after lunch." When Edward made no move to retrieve the paper Mustang walked around the desk grabbed his wrist and placed it in the now open palm before him. "It's not an order but unless you want me showing up at your front door I would do it. Now-" Still holding his automail wrist he lead the still stunned blonde out of the office."-I have a meeting I must go to." With the door closed and locked the General turned to leave. "Have a nice trip Fullmetal, I look forward to the report." With that he was gone.

_'Come on feet move, we have to get to the train station.' _With that thought in mind Edward did his best to not think about anything else, especially the events that had just taken place behind that office door. He could already feel Azen's restlessness and knew it was only a matter of time before he would once again fought a losing battle.

* * *

See I wrote a pretty long chapter and reviews make me work faster so please do.

And very important question. Should I make this a RoyxEd? If I do I promise it won't be like – "Ed you can't cut because I love you" and Ed is like "ok" and never cuts again. IT DOSEN'T HAPPEN!!! So, yeah just let me know.


	4. Angel

**Warning:** Self – Injury and massive confusion.

**Disclaimer: **Blah blah, don't own, blah blah

Please don't kill me, I know I going to hell for not updating sooner. Oh, and the results are in and the yaoi fangirls have won.

**Unlikely Angel **

The lush countryside passed by in varying blurry shades of green as the train made its way along the track. It was a bright clear day with big white cotton ball clouds. All in all a truly picturesque scene the kind of day most people dream about. However, Edward Elric was not one of those people. No, to the young blonde glaring out the window, the cheery picture served no other purpose than to mock him.

_'How can the sun shine on me when I can't even feel it?' _The thoughts flowed freely now though the endless space of his consciousness. Lucid ideas and memories played across his mind. For most people this means nothing, however as the image of a pale man clad in white made its appearance on the seat before him it became obvious it meant much more to our young friend. _'Hello, Azen' _The grey eyes twinkled and the playful smile deepened the feeling of dread in the alchemist stomach. _'Why are you so happy?' _As the pale figment's low laughter filled the air the sickening feeling only got stronger.

**'Because I know how close you are to cutting again, I can feel it.' **Ed grimaced at this, he could feel it too, the all too familiar unease that threatened to swallow him whole. If he wasn't careful the ghosts of events in the past and just as frightening those of the future would haunt him to the brink of sanity and he would be forced to free himself the only way he knew how. It wasn't a pleasant solution but it was better than the alternative.

_'I won't, I can't the General knows too much, it isn't safe.' _This was an almost mournful thought that he may not be able to cut, it scared him to death.

**'Please Ed, you're too scared to let yourself get caught, you're stupid but not so much so you would let that happen.' **Ed looked at Azen in amazement.

_'Is he actually being nice to me?' _

**'Of course not, I mean wasn't it fear that pushed you to kill Greed? Under all the anger wasn't it just fear of being alone, of losing your brother that drove your hand though his chest?' **

_**'You can't kill something that isn't alive.' **_Again that damn mocking smile crawled across his features causing a shiver to run through him like lightening.

**'Your brother wasn't alive, would it have been murder if someone killed him or because he should have died the night you tired to bring back your mother would it not have been murder?' **The glare from Fullmetal would have made anyone else flinch, but Azen thrived on such raw hatred.

_'My brother had a soul.'_

**'Aww,****but what makes a soul Ed?' **This question took the blonde by surprise. He thought hard about it and the answer he came to wasn't a pleasant one. Of course, no thoughts were safe from the malicious white demon. There was no point in not saying it, if he didn't Azen would say it again and again with more nasty twists as he went. No, Ed would do it himself. **'Good Boy, your learning.' **

_'The psyche of my brother how he acts, how he talks, in other words his memories were that which constituted his soul.' _The grimace on the alchemist's face only deepened as the words poured from him.

**'Then Greed might have had a soul and Sloth definitely did.' **Ed winced, however foreseeing such an attack the counter came quickly.

_'Even if she had some part of my mother's memories, even if she had some part of my mother's soul she did things my mother never would have done. Sloth was not my mother, merely a wrong I had to and did right.' _While Greed might not have deserved to die, Sloth was his creation his mistake, he had to do what he did.

**'All Sloth wanted was the chance to be your mother again.' **Ed stood up abruptly and started walking towards the cargo hold car. It was only a matter of time till he was so deep in his head, in the white room, that he would no longer be able to keep the argument internal.

The box car halls, the people, everything was getting blurry. _'That's a lie you and I both know that so don't fucking try it!' _He stumbled down the short hall in between the privet rooms on the car and into the cargo hold somehow without drawing too much attention. He sat in one of the corners of the dark car behind a few large carts.

**'Do we know that Ed? Then again, you didn't even notice your mother was sick in the first place.' **The room was fading, but he wasn't going to the white room, no somewhere far worse, a memory.

He was six and had just come in side for a drink of water, it was awfully hot for spring but he didn't mind. Little Ed was quiet coming into the kitchen; mother would sometimes take naps in the afternoon.

Edward watched his younger self walk around the corner to enter the kitchen, but stopped just short of the doorway. There she was, sitting at the table as white as the cloth that covered it.

**'You saw. You knew something was wrong but you ignored it and believed what you knew was a lie.' **

"Mom are you okay?" It was strained but she smiled and slowly got up from the table but still held the edge of it.

"I'm fine Ed, dear; go back outside before Alphones thinks you're mad at him again." His smaller form smiled brightly and ran back outside hiding the frown that soon took over his features.

**'You should have told someone, if she had gotten help sooner-'**

His house dissolved and the colorful pieces rearranged into the evening of the funeral. It was just Al and himself sitting in front of the grave as the sun did too die.

**'-you could've kept this from happening.' **

_'Shut Up!' _

**'Face it Ed, anybody that has ever needed you was let down!' **

Again the memory changed into another but this time they flashed, the imprint of Nina on the wall, his brother screaming as the light consumed him, then a cold dimly lit room with no windows one dull bulb in the adjacent bathroom-

_'Stop!' _

Then as if by magic it was all black, nothing. The most beautiful complete darkness he had ever known. Slowly a voice could be heard it was his voice.

"So tell why should I live!" The cold terrible numb began to over take his very core. _'Numbness, pain, rage, sorrow, are these the only things I'm allowed to feel any more?'_ And just when the cold had become more than he could take he heard it, just as clearly as he had when the words were spoken.

"Because I Roy Mustang needs you Edward Elric. You are the only thing that seems real anymore." The coldness seemed to creep away and trickle out of his body leaving only the calm that was there before. Edward curled up in the peaceful darkness of his mind and fell into the bliss of unconsciousness. It would be about an hour before the jerk of the train's brakes as it pulled into the station would wake him.

* * *

Riza Hawkeye was worried. She was always concerned. Are the Elrics in danger? Does the General have a new stalker? Was Black Hayate trying to chew his way through the fence? These were just a few of the general concerns the women had somewhere in the back of her mind at all times. This was normal and for the most part the concerns didn't carry much weight till they were given cause to become worries and today there was much cause for worry.

Now, Hawkeye didn't ease-drop however her desk was no more than five yards from the Generals office, so naturally she heard things when the voices in the room got loud. Edward had just given his report, so of course she heard some things. What was worrisome was the fact that while their muffled voices could be heard a few times only once had anyone yelled and it was followed by a deadly quiet. That simply wasn't right, not when Edward Elric was in that office. No, when Fullmetal was in there especially when giving a report silence was far more dangerous than yelling. Scarier still was the fact that the General had been working for a solid three hours now, it was nearly six o'clock normally he would have made an excuse to leave by now or at least try to.

Hawkeye was defiantly worried about both men. Neither seemed to doing well at the moment. Hell, she had never known either to be all that 'well', but lately both men seemed worse for wear. Riza made a mental note to watch carefully for the next few weeks. And with that thought in mind she went back to her own stack of paper work, while someone else started to worry.

_'The meeting was held at about two which means his train left at about four. The train to Resembool_ _is only an hour and a half long he should be home by now.'_ The dark haired man frowned and placed the papers he had been trying to focus on back on the desk. _'He should have called by now.' _A sigh of frustration escaped him before he once again forced his focus on the paperwork before him.

* * *

The small blonde alchemist awoke with a start as the train pulled into the station. Silently, careful to make sure no one saw him, he made his way out of the cargo hold. Once back with the rest of the passengers he grabbed his suitcase from the over head compartment and exited the train normally.

The walk to Winry's house from the station wasn't a very long one but he went slowly. Ed was in no hurry to get 'home'. It wasn't his home, no matter what Al or Winry said it wasn't and it would never be his home. The only home he had ever known he burned to the ground, damning himself to forever wonder the earth. _'And my sins are bared for the world to see.' _He thought looking at his metal hand.

**'That's not the only sin you bare physically Ed, all your scares are the physical evidence of your sins.' **

_'Every scare reminds me of what I was thinking of when I did it. Nearly everyone could be linked back to one of my mistakes, to one of my sins.' _Ed looked up from his hand and arm to be greeted by the sight of the house, warm and welcoming in appearance, but the sight still gave rise to that terrible anxiousness. Tightening his grip on the suit case Ed crossed the road and made his way onto the deck.

The alchemist took great care to unlock the door and enter noiselessly. _'If they don't know I'm home I can go straight to sleep.' _He made it through the front door successfully and was just about to climb the staircase when he heard it.

"Forget Ed!" It was Alphonse, he and Winry were in the kitchen, just out of sight from his position on the stairs. "Because of him I spent years trapped in a suit of armor, I don't remember much but I remember not feeling anything, I remember how scared I was that I would never feel again!" _'Al' _"Ed only lost his arm and leg he still had his body he can still remember those years all the people he met, I cant!" The older Elric held his chest as he struggled to breath, he couldn't move, he couldn't think. "And you know what Winry, he's a hero! The Fullmetal Alchemist champion of the people! Everybody loves him and adores him, it doesn't matter what he's done because bless his heart he's tried so hard to fix things!" There was a loud crash as something like a plate was thrown against a wall. The words that were said a thousand times in his head sounded foreign to his external ears. He felt something breaking in him and only one thought was clear he couldn't be here when it finally did shatter.

**'Come on, Ed.' **He turned around to see Azen at the door, holding his hand out to him. **'It's going to be a long ugly night, let's get you a nice quiet hotel room to ride this out in.' **Azen was almost an angel to him at times like this. Making as little noise as he did when he walked in, he left, Azen holding his hand the whole way. Somehow saying and doing what ever his invisible shepherd said, he made it to one of the few Inns in the town. Edward was barley aware of anything until he was locked away in the small room only then did he allow himself to regain full consciousness. He didn't take but three steps towards the bathroom before his legs gave out.

_'I can't breath!' _In the short time it took to get those three steps from the door Edward had began to hyperventilate. The room was spinning the blonde had to close his eyes to keep from getting sick.

_'Make it stop.' _He was shaking uncontrollably, it was too much. " Al, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The alchemist sat up and rocked slightly repeating his mantra in low dry sobs, however even now the tears wouldn't fall. His lungs burned and he felt as though he might be sick. Azen walked into view again and crouched before him.

**'For the love of Alchemy because we both know there is no God, end this. You're pathetic.' **When the blonde showed little sign of stopping the figment raised his hand and brought it quickly across his face. The sheer force of the slap sent him back to the floor. Then a funny thing happened.

"Thank you." Azen was slightly taken a back and watched in shook as the teen stood up with a smile on his face. Keeping his eyes on the white figure, Ed proceeded to remove the red trench coat-"If it weren't for you Azen"-then the black over coat-"I'd still be on the ground, if it weren't for you telling me everyday all my faults and how little those around me care-" the tank top too did find it's way to the floor. "I might have lost my mind upon hearing my brother say all that." Ed pulled out his pocket watch and carefully removed the blade. "You might be my worst enemy Azen but you're also my best friend and for that I thank you."

With that said metal clenched metal and the small razor blade was brought across the middle of his flexed bicep, hard. Edward watched in morbid fascination as skin split and he say the white inner tissues before the blood began to finally pour out. The gentle stream of darkest red made its way steadily down his arm and for the first time in three months Ed felt at peace.

**'That's the deepest one yet Edward. I know you don't like treating them but that one needs a butterfly strip or two.' **The alchemist found his legs turn to jelly as he got lost in the euphoric bliss of the endorphins that were currently assaulting his senses. Blood poured freely but still Ed wanted more, more blood, more pain, more anything to keep himself from drowning in the tumultuous sea of his own emotions. It was his life raft that kept him a flout above the memories and the negativity that plagued him constantly.

The blade made its way across his arm about an inch above the pervious one, not as deep as before but still a descent size. It didn't hurt after the initial slice. _'I love black.'_ His pants didn't stain red; it just looked wet, but with what you couldn't really tell. The tan carpet beneath him was a different story. _'Oh well, nothing alchemy can't clean up.' _Eyes unfocused, drifting from cuts to the steady stream following the progression of blood as it ran down his arm pooling in his hand before slipping onto his pant and floor. The fluid began to form an unholy halo around the young man. _'How befitting. After all if there is a God surely, I must be damned.' _Ed gave a dark chuckle before once again resting the cool steel on his chest.

_'My salvation and my sin.' _The pressure increased and he shook slightly, the blade came to sit just below his right collar bone. _'Who could ever understand this, I don't even understand this!' _In one quick movement skin spilt neatly in two giving way to more of that beautifully dark shade of life, just as deep as the pervious one but stretching to the middle of his sternum. A gasp escaped his lips as he fell into that cold numbness which had become blissful, not harsh.

Shivers ran through him, his vision finally came back into focus and any traces of anxiety or rage or sadness had followed with his blood out of his body. All the feelings that moments ago were so close they suffocated him, now seemed to be miles away, so far it was hard to believe he nearly chocked on them. The blonde sat there covered in that hot sticky mess, riding out the wave of endorphins. Finally the pleasure ebbed and Ed found the will and strength to stand and stumble to the bathroom.

The shower was a small standing without a tube. Thankfully, the hot water worked well and soon the dizzy alchemist was hissing as hot water washed over the fresh cuts which stung angrily, but it felt so good. Once the dried blood was scrubbed off, the blonde got out of the shower and dried off. The oldest Elric was still trying to ring out his hair when he glanced at the mirror. Ed looked at his reflection in mild surprise; the cuts were deeper than he thought.

Worse still, they hadn't stopped bleeding.

Quickly, with only a towel hanging from his waist, he went to the suit case and grabbed his first-aid kit. _'I'm going to be mad later.' _Right now he was still drifting along on the wonderful effects of his injury. Alcohol ran over the gashes caught by white hotel towels now a delicate shade of crimson in some patches. Most of the butterfly strips were now placed carefully over the wounds forcing them back together. Gaze was the lazily stuck over and taped on the edges. The two brothers carried the fairly large kit with them on missions; it had proven it's wroth on many occasions. Edward looked at the mess of bloodied towels and stained floors. Suddenly, feeling exhausted he pulled on a pair of boxers and climbed into the surprisingly comfortable bed and fell genteelly into sleep. Too bad he couldn't stay that way.

Ed awoke with a start, confused he looked around the room not sure of what had cut his rest short. The bright red numbers of the clock read 9:03 other than that there wasn't much light in the room. Then a series of sharp knocks on the door let the startled alchemist know exactly what had brought him back to consciousness.

"Fullmetal, open the damn door before I melt the hinges!" For what felt like the fifth time today Ed's world stopped, the General was getting ready to break down the door to his hotel room still covered in blood.

* * *

Who hates me? I know I'm evil, but guess what? I already have the next chapter typed up and ready to go! I will update in one week. Some reviews might get it posted sooner. 


	5. Goodbye

**Warning: **Self-harm, possible mentions of rape or child abuse nothing graphic.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA.

Hello all, it has come to my attention that despite my efforts, the grammar for my story is still terrible. So, if anyone would like to beta for me I would greatly appreciate it.

**Goodbye**

When the General had said that if his subordinate didn't call him he would show up at his door step, he hadn't really imagined that the blonde would dare not call him. Then again, when either Elric was involved things had a bad way of not going as planned. It wasn't like Edward to forget things nor was it like him to simply not call. That was why the Flame Alchemist issued the threat. However, when he still hadn't gotten a call by 6:30 he left the office and got a ticket for the 7:30 train to Rizembool.

_'I have to follow through with everything I say right now, if I don't he will only push me further away. While I'm not sure what the hell is going on with him I know it isn't good. He's having panic attacks and is obviously suffering from depression. I really need to talk with Al and Winry, so it's probably a good thing I'm going to Rizembool_ _any way.'_ His mind began to drift slightly as he thought of the one person whose help he could really use right now.

'_Maes.' _For what seemed like the millionth time he found himself wishing the other man was still here. '_This is your sort of thing, not mine.' _But what could he do hope that some how Fullmetal would just wake up tomorrow all better? _'I wouldn't have woken up at all if you hadn't punched me square in the face.' _Pushing back sadness and grief like he had done the million of times before it, Roy focused on the task a hand. _'The past doesn't matter now I settled things the night I killed King Bradley_, _all that matters now is making damn sure I don't lose more people I care about.' _

The train ride didn't seem so long to Mustang he had plenty to keep his mind occupied. Around nine o'clock he arrived at the station and walked at a some what brisk pace to Winry's house which was only about five minutes away. It was fairly dark by now and there weren't any street lights, luckily the soft glow from the few near by houses and the clear starry sky kept the darkness at bay.

The quite country home looked undisturbed, but some how that only added to the unease in his chest. Quickly, Roy climbed the front steps and knocked on the door a little harder then he meant to. A few moments later footsteps could be heard, followed by the twist of the door knob before, finally, the door swung open.

Winry Rockbel stood in front of him and for a split second he could hear a women screaming followed by two gun shots. Mustang clenched his fist and pushed the memory away like he had every other time he laid eyes on this girl.

"Oh, hello, General what brings you here?" The young women smiled brightly at him as she moved aside so her guest could enter.

"I just needed to speak with Fullmetal." He replied, unmoving.

"He hasn't come home from his mission yet." The smile faltered slightly. "Maybe-"

"The box car workers said they saw him get on the four o'clock train home he should have gotten here a little past 5:30. Did he maybe go straight to his room?" Winry frowned as she thought of the possibility.

"Al and I have been inside all day, I was in Ed's room, um- cleaning till about two hours ago, it looked just like it did when he left, his suitcase was still missing. But-" She looked at the door eyes widening in realization. "We keep the door locked unless someone's outside which means Ed might have been here, but left." Mustang looked at her very seriously.

"Why would Fullmetal come home only to leave without even dropping off his luggage? What could have happened?" Then it came to Winry all at once like a great burst of wind. It almost knocked her off her feet. Roy saw her waver as the cheery smile vanished from her features.

"What Happened?" It wasn't a question to be answered at ones leisure. No, this was the kind of commanding the General was accustomed to. Winry suddenly became fascinated by the floor boards of the porch.

"Winry, this is serious, I need to know what happened." His gaze was unforgivingly stern; Roy wasn't one to be harsh towards a woman but Edward might be in trouble. The poor girl shrunk away but nevertheless, began to answer.

"Alphonse and I were in the kitchen and he-" there was a pause as Winry tried to find words "-we got into a fight and ….. He started saying all this stuff about Ed and-next thing I know he's yelling about how it was all Ed's fault. That he was responsible for him spending so much time as a suit of armor, and how unfair it was that everyone loved him despite all he had done." Her eyes looked glassy; she took a deep breath before starting again. "I just started at him for a long time then started picking up the plate he had broken, Al ran up to his room and hasn't come out since." The General stared in shock at the girl before him as though she had grown an extra head.

"You didn't say anything to him? Not about the things that happened, the things Ed did for him during the three years he was armor?" She just shook her head. Rage, pure, glorified rage cut throw his system upon hearing this, no one had the right to say such things about his subordinate not even Alphonse.

"We need to find Edward. He must have gotten a hotel. You go tell Alphonse that his brother is in trouble and we need to help him." He turned to leave but the poison in his veins made him look back. "And if he has the audacity to ask why, tell him because his brother walked all over this damn country for three years, one night won't kill him." Winry stood and watched Mustang leave no longer able to hold back the tears.

* * *

Roy did his best to not think about what Ed might have done after hearing all that. Alphonse was his life and for a very long time Edward was Alphonse's life, however that had begun to change when Al got his body back. The former suit of armor struggled with sixteen-year-old hormones while trying to remember the past three years. He was frustrated that he couldn't remember all the people Ed was such good friends with so he ran to Winry the one person he was friends with before the accident.

Now it seemed Al had fallen for Winry who of course had always liked Edward. _'She makes it so obvious a blind man could see it.' _So, Alphonse jealous and angry has taken to saying bad things behind his brothers back_. 'How could this have happened, Alphonse was always such a sweet kid. Hopefully he'll grow up soon and leave the teenage angst crap behind.' _

Coming up to the third Inn, Mustang straightened his collar before pulling the door open. The lobby was small and dimly lit, with a few comfy worn looking couches circling a weathered coffee table. Behind the front desk sat a little old man who seemed to have fallen asleep.

"Excuse me." The man did not move. "Excuse me." Again, nothing his nose didn't even twitch, becoming agitated Mustang pulled out a glove and slipped it onto his right hand. Carefully, he snapped his fingers and ignited just enough hydrogen to make a loud bright –pop- . Instantly the wrinkled old man jumped up and dove under the desk.

"Take cover boys were under attack!" Roy started blankly at the desk not sure of what to do. When the man showed no signs of moving from his make shift foxhole Mustang decided to play along, if only long enough get the man's help.

"This is the General the attackers have left; all clear." With a speed the old man should not have possessed, he got up and saluted. Then, as if he hadn't just reenacted a war scene said –

"Hello and welcome to Hillside Inn,. My name is Frank how may I help you?" Roy, so dumbstruck by all that had just transpired he almost forgot why he was there.

"Yes, I'm looking for a short blonde haired-"

"Looks about eighteen, gold eyes, looked just awful poor lad. Gave him room 316, wanted something far from others so he can sleep." Frank looked up thinking not really paying attention speaking more to himself then to Roy.

"Thank you." Mustang turned to leave wincing when he heard –"hope the lad hasn't hung himself, right mess that would be"-.

A few flights of stairs later the General was looking at the door with the numbers 3-1-6 across the front. Bringing his fist to the door he knocked. There was no answer, again knock, nothing. "Fullmetal, open" knock "the damn door" knock "before I melt" knock "the hinges." Finally he could hear movement from within the room.

* * *

**'Edward Elric look at me!' **Ed stopped his panicked thrashing and focused on the reflection. He was in bed with only a pair of boxers on, his chest and left bicep were covered in bandages. If the General walked in now it would be all over. **'Stop acting like his bitch and yell at him for waking you up, get angry! That or you could always have another panic attack.' **He took several deep breaths. _'Thank you, Azen.' _

"Hold your damn horses Mustang! Can't anyone take a fucking nap anymore?" Quickly Ed leapt out of bed and started throwing bloody first aid supplies in the trash and-

"Fullmetal"

"I'm trying to find my pants, I'm not answering-" throwing a couple of towels over the mostly dried-blood stained carpet. "the damn door in my boxers." Finally, ripping throw the clothes in his suit case he found his usual pair of black leather pants and his old black jacket. Ed was dressed in a flash, but paused taking one last deep breath before undoing the bottom lock. The door slid open to the length the chain would allow. _'If Mustang gets into this room before I can clean it properly I'm fucked!' _

"Now, what the hell are you doing here?" The General's eyes were searching combing over his appearance for any sign of something wrong or out of place. Edward did his best to sallow his nerves it helped that Azen was still somewhere behind him, sitting silently. He tried not to let his hands shake as they pulled his hair back into a ponytail.

"Why didn't you call?" Reality, sudden had him in a choke hold making any answer die in his throat. His head began to sip and he had to grab hold of the door to stay upright.

**'Sorry General, my ungrateful little brother was pointing out all the sins I've committed while trying to get his body back.' **

"I-"_**'**__I can't say that, I don't want him to know.'_The liquid gold found themselves reflecting the floor.

"Did you forget to call because of Alphonse?" Roy's voice was surprisingly soft with out any of the demanding undertones normally present.

_'Who is this person that keeps taking the General's place?' _He still couldn't bring himself to look at the other man.

**'Wow, you're so pathetic it's hard to watch. Are you going to roll over next? Then again that's a position your use to, right Ed?' **His grip on the door tightened. The now molten eyes looked directly into the unwavering set of his commander.

"That is none of your business, sir. Forgive me for disobeying an order, am I dismissed?" Mustang frowned, but he resolved himself to not give into anger, it would only add fuel to Edward's fire and sarcasm.

"I'm not in uniform Ed, and it wasn't an order, please just open the door and let's talk."

**'Why should you? It's not his room.' **

_'No, it would be better to make him think I'm letting him in, it would get him off my back.' _

**'Even a lap dog needs food. Tell him he needs to feed you.' **

"I haven't eaten all day can we go somewhere to eat and talk then?" The dark eyes harden in something close to glare.

"Why haven't you eaten?" Ed didn't answer; he quickly grabbed the room key off the table. Carefully, the blonde slipped out of the room and locked the door.

**'Good' **Azen was once again at his side directing him.** 'Now all we have to do is make it through dinner and clean up the hotel room and you're practically home free. It's so simple even you can't fuck it up!' **Just then, the first of many complications to that plan rounded the corner.

"Edward!" Breathless, Winry came walking up the hall instead of the dead sprint that had carried her there, not to far behind her was-

"Al…" quiet, so soft and sorrowful only the General standing not five feet away heard it. Mustang turned to see the most blank yet broken expression grace over the eldest brother for a brief moment, only to be replaced with a hard, angry mask worthy of the name Fullmetal.

**'How many times have you suffered so he wouldn't have to? After you lost his body you did everything for him. You joined the military and never once did you let them get their hands on him. You never let him see your pain because you don't want to burden him. And he has the gall to point out your sins, all of them done for him. Tell him Edward, tell him why you've done all those nasty things.' **Azen was right behind him a hand resting on his shoulder encouraging, provoking him.

_'This is going to be a God damn train wreck!'_ Mustang thought as he turned to see Alphonse just as angry.

"Tell me, Al do you remember the time you broke aunt Pinako_ favorite_ mug and I said I did it and I took the spanking for you." The tension in the small hallway was stifling. Ed and Roy stood about ten feet from Al and Winry. The General positioned himself, ready to step between them if they started to fight.

'_If they start using alchemy against each other this whole building and maybe half the town will be leveled.' _

"Yes, so what. That has nothing to do with you not stopping and practically forcing me to help you try and bring mother back, or the fact that I spent years I don't remember as a suit of armor."

"Because I took the beating for then and every time I possible could after that!" Everyone stared at Edward as he struggled to control his breathing. "I didn't tell you some things that you knew before. I thought you were better off not knowing but I guess I was wrong." His head was spinning and if it weren't for Azen being there he was sure he would have fallen over by now.

"When we tired to bring her back you lost your body and I lost my arm, I willingly _gave_my leg to get back your soul and yes in order to safe your life I attached it to a suit of armor and promised you I would get your body back no matter what." His voice was low and mocking, he gave small chuckles here and there as the look on Alphonse face went from righteous indignation to a truly blank perplexed gape.

"And to keep that promise I became a bitch of the military, lower than most dogs because at least they were there by choice, I was blackmailed and forced, by my need to keep my promise, into service." Roy had received a nasty glare at the mention of blackmail.

"But still I kept you out of their dirty hands, I kept as far way as you would allow. However, my loving and kind little brother couldn't bear the thought of me caring the burden all by myself so he insisted on coming along instead of going back to Winry's."

His gaze fell on her now. "Hard to believe isn't it? You know I never looked twice at you not once, because I knew Alphonse liked you ever since we were six." Winry looked like she was going to start crying again, this day was just more then the young mechanic could handle.

"I've been beaten, stabbed, shot at and chased on missions looking for the stone for you. I killed Greed to get you back. I traveled the damn country for three years searching all for you." His voice was rising but as it went it left the mocking tone behind, only sounding betrayed and hurt now.

"I did everything for you and not once did I ask for anything in return, not even the things I lost." For a moment he stared at the floor. When he lifted his head he looked resolved even with his shimmering eyes.

"And now you want to forget me, because I did some truly terrible things while trying to get your body back, while trying to fix the mess that was _my_ fault." He was shaking slightly but he kept the words steady.

"That's why I won't fight you. That's why I'm going to walk way and that's why I'm never coming back to Rizembool after I leave." Ed started walking away hands at his sides one cupped ever so slightly.

"Edward!" Winry seemed to finally find her voice, she didn't want him to go, she loved him, he couldn't just leave.

"Winry stay out of this!" His hands balled into fists as though trying to grasp the little control he had left. Winry stood there wide eyed in shock tears silently streaming down her face. Alphonse looked like he was back in the suit of armor, his whole body was ridged, not even blinking as he tried to process everything his brother had just said. They both needed help right now but Mustang was far more concerned with the person leaving him behind. Winry took a step forward as if to follow him, the General shook his head. He pointed at her then at Al, then pointed at himself and the direction Ed had gone. The still crying mechanic nodded her understanding and began to try and bring the catatonic young man out of his state.

_'Well that could have gone worse. Edward didn't blow anything up or try to punch Al.' _He wasn't sure if he would have held Ed back if he had tried. Roy had caught up with said young man and had been sure to make some small mount of noise to make his presence known. After a few blocks he led them into a small all night diner, probably the only one in the little town.

The restaurant was clam with low, dim hanging lights every few feet. A few tables were lined up in neat rows but Edward walked past all of them to one of the booths on the far wall. Mustang sat across from the dazed looking Lt. Colonel. A middle-aged heavy-set red-headed woman walked up to the table shortly after.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" She said looking at Roy.

"Coffee, please."

"And what about you, dear?" Seeing the lost look on Ed's face she, Kathy her name tag read, had softened the question while addressing him.

"Water would be fine." He muttered distantly.

**'Come on Edward you keep sulking and Mustang dearest will know something's terribly wrong.' **Azen was sitting next to the General, taunting him, yet somehow most times it was a slightly teasing sort of taunting. Not the kind that drove him into a panic attack, instead it made him focus or made him angry enough to not fall down and curl up into a little ball as that was the impulse he often found himself fighting off.

_'How the hell am I suppose to make him think nothing is wrong after I just told my brother, the only family I have, that I would stay out of his life!' _

**'Tell him you're moving to Central because you want to be closer to him like a good little bitch. Tell him you're worried the big bad military will try and make your broth enlist so separating is the best way to keep him safe. I don't fucking care just tell him something!' **

"Edward?" Again, the painfully placid tone. Life was easier when the General acted like a bastard it was so much harder to lie to someone who sounded like they wanted to help you. "Here." The General grabbed a menu from behind the napkin holder and placed it in front of the blonde. He started down it but didn't move.

"All I want are some pancakes. What are you going to eat General?" Finally, those metallic orbs were on him instead of the table or the ceiling.

"I ate on the train." _'It's not good to lie to someone you're trying to get to tell you the truth, but I couldn't stand to eat anything now. I could go for a drink but now is not the time.'_ No, for Mustang the time was late at night at home or even in his office, alone just him, the bottle and the past till the past was drowned and the bottle was gone.

Kathy came back and took down an order for two pancakes with maple syrup them left, leaving behind an awkward silence and the drinks.

"I guess I'm moving to Central. Know of any good apartments?" Ed tried and failed to keep the biting sadness out of his voice. Mustang looked intently at him as he sipped his coffee. Edward had been half joking but if the older man wanted to help-

"You're staying at my house." –that wasn't helpful.

**"Fuck no!" **Azen and Ed said in unison, Ed was the only one to saying out loud of course. The General's eyes sharpened and the demand was creeping back into his words.

"Edward you are obviously not well right now, I don't think you should be living alone. Besides, it would give me a chance to get to know the real you." The younger alchemist took on that hard look again.

"I don't need to be babysat." Roy sighed _'Knew he wasn't going to like the idea.'_

"I just want to be there if you need someone because right know I'm the only person who can get near you."

**'Liar. I'm the only one who can really get near our dear little bitch. You'll never even know him because you won't know me.' **

"What makes you think you can get near me?" Ed echoed.

"Because I can tell when you're trying to cover up your real feelings with anger and attitude, like now." The blonde locked eyes with the dark haired man giving him a challenging smirk.

"Okay then what am I really feeling, Mustang, because apparently I don't know." Instead of getting the usual fiery gaze the Flame alchemist only looked somberly at his younger friend.

"You're confused right now, you're angry that your brother can't see all the things you've done for him. You're scared because he's acting like he doesn't need you anymore and you don't know what to do now, because getting his body back was what kept you going. Now all you have left is the memories of all the bad things that you did or watched along the way. All of this is making you depressed and unstable." Edward stared blankly at the table. He couldn't bring himself to try and deny anything the man before him had just said.

"Do you want to know why I know all that Ed?" Still not looking at him, Ed gave a small nod. "Because I went through the same thing after the war." Kathy walked up a moment later and placed before the still dumbstruck alchemist a plate with two colossal pancakes and a pitcher of maple syrup. Reluctantly, Edward ate in silence. He had almost finished off the twin giants when he made a startling discovery.

'_Shit, I'm bleeding through my bandages.' _It seemed that the wound on his shoulder was too much for the few butterfly strips and thin layer of gaze to handle because blood had already soaked throw both and seemed intent on running down his arm.

'**Complain about being tired its way past little ones bedtime.' **

"General it's getting late; I'm tired I'm going back to the hotel." He began rising trying to leave quickly but Mustang grabbed his forearm to stop him, Edward could feel the rip as newly healed tissue snapped under the tension of the sudden pull. It was hard not to wince, but he could feel the blood trailing down his arm, it was almost past his elbow.

"Sit back down Ed we are not done talking." Neither would move until the other did, Fullmetal knew he couldn't turn back and face the other alchemist; he had little time before the blood would just drip down freely, or soak his jacket. The black would help hide small amounts of blood but his shoulder was past that point.

"Can we please talk in the morning Roy; I just want to go to sleep." He had never used his first name before or ever asked for something in such a pleading small voice. Mustang, whether out of shook or sympathy let the blonde go. Ed tried not to walk too quickly as he left and headed back to his room at the hotel. It would be a few hours before he could actually go to sleep, he had to clean first, break down the dried blood into it's most basic elements so there weren't any stains, just dust that the maid would vacuum up. Then wipe down the tile and burn the first aid supplies used and anything else that had blood on it. It was a systematical process of destroying all evidence perfected with repetition. _'Almost all.' _Ed thought as he allowed himself, now that he was out of sight, to hold his injured limb.

The General sat and continued to sip coffee while he contemplated the day's events._ 'I know he's hiding something, like who the hell Azen is for starters, but there's more….Does Ed have a drug problem? He acts like someone trying to hide one. Secretive, paranoid, he wouldn't even undo the chain to his room, he really didn't want me in there, come to think of it he's always wearing long sleeves, some drugs leave marks or rashes maybe-'_

"Oh dear!" The waitress seemed startled by something she was now staring at intently.

"Are you alright?" Mustang asked, the poor woman seemed horrified, her eye wide never leaving a spot on the floor.

"I am, but someone else isn't." Her gaze traveled along the floor to the door then back to his booth. Roy got up and looked at the droplets of crimson strung together to make a little path from a few feet in front of the booth all the way to the door, and he had a funny feeling he knew where the trail ended.

"Edward." The Flame Alchemist sighed heavily and took on a grave appearance. _'What the hell is going on Ed? Who's hurting you? Azen? Why wouldn't you tell me?' _He would wait until the morning to confront the young man. In the mean time his head was buzzing with unanswered questions that needed to be drowned out.

* * *

What do you guys think? Should I include Winry and Al more in later chapters? I know Al is OC right now but I try hard to keep everyone as in character as possible. Al will start acting more like himself as time goes on. So dose anyone know yet what the memory is, where he's in a room with no windows. There are clues in chapters 2 through 5 the answer will be revealed in the next chapter and if someone guesses correctly I will have it posted in one week.

So, review! Tell me what you want, what you like and don't like. That and your guess just might get you a new chapter sooner rather than later. Oh, and for the record would anyone stop reading if Ed did some time in a mental hospital?


	6. Secret

**Warning: **Self-harm, possible mentions of rape or child abuse nothing graphic.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA.

**Secret **

The bed beneath him was old, hard and smelled like mold. The only light in the room was the murky glow coming from the adjacent bathroom. His body shivered slightly in anticipation and fear, the fact there were no blankets didn't help much either. He was just starting to will himself to stop and to be still when-_**thud, thud, thud**_- someone was coming down the stairs. _'No-not again- I can't-' _The door knob began to twist. _'No!' _The door slid open and-

Edward Elric bolted upright in his hotel room bed, hyperventilating and tears streaming down his face. He brought his knees to his chest and started rocking and muttering incoherently to himself, as the tears continued to fall.

'**Edward. Edward, snap out of it.' **Azen was on the bed in front of him holding him still. **'It was just a dream Ed, he's not here, remember? You're in a hotel room, alone with the door locked. No one is going to hurt you. You're safe. Calm down, damn it, and breathe.' **Shaking, the blonde began to slow his breathing as the figment held his automail shoulder and ran a hand through his loose hair.

'_Why are you being so nice?' _Not that the alchemist didn't want Azen to be nice. Actually this was great, having someone there to comfort and guide him, but why the sudden change?

'**You're not fighting me anymore, and I don't want you to lose it and start screaming because then Mustang will- I don't know what, break down the door and see the new mummy you. Think about this, Ed, if you weren't fighting me, you would have drowned in the past, in memories. I'm more tangible, I'm closer to being real, by fighting me, you kept yourself sane. Because you're able to express your negative feelings through me.' **He was right, Azen drove him crazy, but before Azen he had been ready to kill himself, having something to fight for again gave him back his stubborn unwillingness to give up and die.

'_But why attack me with my past?' _There was a deep sigh, followed by a pat on the head.

'**Come now, Ed, your not that dumb, you already know the answer.' **He thought for a few moments before answering.

'_Because I can't let it go and I can't forgive myself, so if no one else in going to try and punish me for what I've done, I'll punish myself.'_ He looked up into the imaginary stormy gray eyes, which looked almost clam, soft and so like someone else's, but he couldn't think of whose.

'**Correct.' **

'_Well that explains the 360 in behavior right after my brother said those things.' _

'**Exactly, can't have you losing it where you might get caught. You know what will happen if someone were to find out.' **

'_Straight to the loony bin.' _Azen stood and started walking to the bathroom.

'**Then even after you get out, people will check, and you won't be able to relieve yourself.' **

'_I don't want to "relieve" myself, but I need to have the choice.' _

'**You won't if you get caught. Then you're back to having no control over your life just like during the bad days.' **

Edward couldn't suppress the shiver that came at the mention of those days, the days that haunted his dreams and the dark corners of his mind. During those days, someone else controlled him, someone had him so terrified he-

'**Edward Stop.' **The firm voice combined with the strong hand squeezing his flesh was enough to bring him back. **'Come on, let's change your bandages.' **Still holding his hand Azen lead him to the bathroom. After more alcohol was painstakingly rubbed onto wounds and fresh pads were placed over them, the blonde pulled his hair back and put on the usual clothes.

'_What should I do?' _He asked as he brushed his teeth. His eyes fell onto the reflected image behind him.

'**Go talk to Mustang; it would look better if you went to him. He won't think you're trying to avoid him, not like you would ever do that. Be sure to put on your coat, it'll be harder to tell you're bandaged up. **

Ed nodded, then finished brushing, spit and grabbed his coat before leaving his safe little room. He went to the front desk and found out the General was staying in a room just down the hall from his own. The still shorter than average young man knocked…and knocked, but there was no answer. _'It's past noon and Mustang isn't the type to sleep in.' _

'**Maybe he went somewhere.' **

'_Only one way to find out.' _His hands came together in the comfortingly familiar clap as he changed the few curved latches into straight pieces of metal, effectively unlocking the door. Quietly, Ed slipped inside, pulling the door shut as he went.

The General was face down in a pool of what looked to be his own vomit. _'Shit!' _

'**Quick, flip him on his side so he doesn't suffocate, that is, if he hasn't already.' **

Moving fast, Ed pulled Mustang up and onto his side, setting him down on a pillow that wasn't covered in sick. The older man was out cold, but he was breathing. He was also still fully clothed, shoes and all, not mention he reeked of liquor. _'I know what you did last night.' _

'**Duh, I told you he had a drinking problem, but no-o not General Mustang, he's too handsome to have problems!' **

'_Shut up!' _Azen just laughed as Edward went to the bathroom to get a wet rag. Carefully, he sat back down and started trying to wipe the Generals face clean. _'Is this the price you pay, Roy? Is this how you stay so clam during the day, by drowning yourself at night? But who the hell am I to judge you? I damn near kill myself at night or-whenever I can- bleeding out the problems.' _Sighing heavily, the alchemist continued his task. After a few minutes work the porcelain face was clean. The skin was smooth and looked soft.

'_I wonder.' _It seemed his hand wondered as well, because the next thing he knew his fingertips were brushing over the other man's cheeks. Slowly and gently his fingers traveled down one cheek, over the chin, and up the other cheek. The gold eyes fell on the slightly parted lips, which moved ever so slightly with each breathe. Cautiously, he grazed over them, before bringing his digits back up to push a few stray hairs out of his eyes. _'His lips are kinda chapped but that's probably from throwing-up.' _

Suddenly, a loud groan came from the seemingly dead figure, surprising the young man so badly he jumped up and off the bed falling to the floor in the process. The mighty Flame alchemist sat up, moaning slightly as he cradled his head in one hand. _'Why does it seem that we give up so much to only get back so little? Where is the equivalent exchange in that?' _The short teen didn't move in hopes of not being noticed.

"Ed?" His voice was raspy and it seemed to be painful to simply utter that one little word.

"Don't talk, your esophagus is still sour from the stomach acid." Without thinking he moved into the bathroom and filled a glass with water. The General gave a grim smile as the blonde handed him the glass. It wasn't very cold but it was still a relief to his throat. Mustang looked around taking in the state of the room, filling in the gaps of his memory.

"Doors are locked for a reason, Fullmetal." He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and straightened his collar.

"If I hadn't broken the lock on the door you might have suffocated in your own vomit." There was something Roy wasn't remembering, something about Ed and last night. "Please, be more careful." Roy looked at the metallic eyes. For once, they were looking back at him with something other than anger.

"Why didn't you ask me to stop?" _'I can't believe I've let him see me like this!' _Hughes and Hawkeye were the only others to see this side of the General.

"Because-" _'I wouldn't want you to ask me to stop cutting.' _"Because it's how you stay in control. It wouldn't be right of me to ask you to stop." Mustang gave a short laugh before looking seriously at the teen.

"The fact I rely on something other than myself to stay in control means I have none." Edward shook his head.

"That's not true. You're the most in control person I know. You always know what to do, you always have things planned out and-"

"Wake up, Edward. If you count on something to give you control, then it controls you." The smaller Elric leaned up against the wall for support.

"It's better than being controlled by a memory," Roy shook his head and looked dead into those liquid gold eyes.

"You still don't get it. If you drink or use drugs, or anything else for that matter, to forget a memory, you are letting that memory control you. The only way to truly have control is to accept the memory for what it is; a memory. Move beyond the past, only then are you truly in control of your own life." Edward slid to the floor and pulled his knees to his chest.

"What if you can't? What if some memories are so terrible-" The blonde squeezed his upper arm, the pain helped keep him from slipping away as he talked about such things. " –the very thought of them was enough to-" _'make you want to die'_ "-to make you do anything to make it stop." He wasn't sure when it had happened, but at some point in time his superior officer had gotten up and was now kneeling in front of him. Mustang moved to place a hand on the curled up figure. He couldn't stop himself from flinching away from the touches as much as the wall would let him.

"Ed." There it was again, the eyes, the voice, everything so unlike the rigid dog of the military. Even the hand that was now brushing his bangs out of his face was gentle and smooth. Ed had to fight the urge the lean into the hand that was ghosting over his cheek.

"Memories of what? What happened?" _'What the hell am I forgetting? It's important, it had to with Ed.' _Mustang tried to remember as he worked on keeping the teen calm.

"You know what happened. I lost my brother's body, created a homunculus, let a little girl die, got your best friend killed, started a war that led to a friend getting raped repeatedly by the people I still work for- do I need to continue?" His voice was even, monotone almost. He squeezed his upper arm a little more to keep it that way.

"Yes, you need to keep going until you've told me all of the things that bother you." Edward didn't say anything else, those were the main things, well except-_'No!' _His grip tightened, the wound under his automail hand throbbed, but it felt so good, so safe. "What are not telling me? By saying these things out loud you help get them off your chest. Let me help youTell me, so I can."

He shook his head. _'I can't say it. I can't think about it, let alone say it! Besides I don't want him of all people to know. I respect him and _–'

'**Love him too much, right, Edward dearest?' **

'_Stay out of this, Azen!' _

'**Tell him Ed, tell him about the flashbacks and nightmares, tell him the fucking price you pay, the equivalent exchange for your sanity! Tell him whose little bitch you were first.' **

'_Shut up!' _

"Ed?" A hand had come to rest under his chin; suddenly he was looking the General in the eyes, those endless bluish black pools over following with concern. "You need to tell me or it's going to rip you apart." _'I can't' _He jumped up and took a few steps back, not able to stand being pined to the wall anymore, that and the closeness made he want to break down.

"I can't! I can never say- I swore that for Al and myself I would never tell!" The fidgety blonde was pacing now. Bed, wall, bed, wall… the pattern was soothing.

"Was Al part of what happened?"

Ed gave a short bitter 'HA!'

"He didn't have a body. He was safe," There was a maliciousness Mustang had never heard the older Elric use while talking about his sibling. _'If Al was safe by not having a body then Ed must have been beaten or something, badly if he's this rattled. Beatings that bad leave scars or some other physical evidence.' _"Who hurt you? If you can't tell me what happened then show me." The little alchemist stopped dead in his tracks, eyes slightly wide.

"You know who, sir." What secret is more important to protect? It looks like one or the other.

'**He can't know about the price you pay.' **

' _I know.' _

"Who?" One last deep breath, 1… 2…

"The sowing life alchemist," The General was taken a back.

"Tucker? What did he do to you, Ed?" The smell of mildew was keeping into his nostrils and the cold was settling in. _'No, I won't. I refuse, I'll do what I must later, but right now I need to focus.' _

"Edward, what did he do to you?" Mustang looked angry and anxious; not a good combination, one that didn't help the situation.

"What the fuck do you think he did?" Rage was a truly beautiful drug, a cure or a killer; it was all in the dose.

"Did he hit you?" It was funny, it was fucking hilarious.

"No! He never –not once –hit me. I wish he had, I can take getting beat up after Izumi but –" He was laughing harder than he had in months. Wall-bed-wall –he stopped to steady himself. By now he was absolutely hysterical. "Isn't it funny how can someone hurt you without ever hitting you?"

Roy grabbed the crazed young man by his shoulders. Neither were really sure when the laughing stopped and the sobs became the only sound in the little hotel room. Mustang pulled the smaller figure to him as he became dead weight. Carefully, he lowered them both to the floor and pulled the broken form of the famous Fullmetal alchemist onto his lap. Edward buried his face into the older man's shoulder, trying to steady himself as the sobs ripped through his whole body. He honestly couldn't remember the last time anyone held him like this. He never wanted to be let go, he felt safe for once.

"Sh, don't worry, I'm right here, Ed." He ran his hand throw the silky blonde hair. _'How could I have let this happen? I was suppose to protect them, instead I left the boys in the hands of a crazy, murdering, child molester!' _"Why didn't you tell me? I could have took you away, I would have killed him." Mustang couldn't help tightening his grip slightly as he spoke. The older Elric simply shook his head.

"It was Equivalent Exchange; it was part of the price I would have to pay to get the stone. Nothing is ever free; I was paying the room and board for Al and I. At least, that's what he told me," The tears showed no sign of stopping. "Then as I got older I realized that wasn't true, but still I wouldn't tell. Al always felt guilty, in the past anyways; I knew it would kill him to find out. I was already just some snot-nosed-brat who couldn't take care of himself in your eyes and everyone else in the military. I wasn't about to let you all know you were right. That the great Fullmetal alchemist was just some murder's little fuck-toy."

Roy could have killed him, could have yelled at him for hours about his stupid pride, but right now he didn't have the heart to. He wanted the words to stop but he knew it was too late to ever hide them again.

'**And here you thought you couldn't cry.' **

'_Please, not now, Azen.' _

'**Why? Oh, I'm sorry, am I ruining your perfect little moment?' **

'_Please Azen, I'll hurt myself again later for this, just please leave me alone for now.' _His head went quiet and his breathing began to slow. Mustang didn't know what to say or do next.

'_What the hell can I tell him, it's okay? He'll punch me, I would too. Some things aren't okay, and will never be okay.' _

The little body in his arms stopped sobbing, but still shook slightly with the occasional sniff or hiccup. _'I hate this. I can_'t _believe I said it! What other choice did I have? Above all others I must keep this secret.' _Ed's automail hand unconsciously traveled over the cuts on his arm. Then, as if burned, he pulled it away, not wanting to draw attention to the spot.

"Who's Azen?" Edward was finally giving answers, maybe now he could work out the rest. _'Maybe not.' _At the mention of the name he felt the smaller alchemist stiffen, then pull away and sit once more with his back to the wall. He didn't want to move, but knew the more safe and comfortable he felt, the more truth he would let slip.

"He's nobody. Someone I met a long time ago. I just –he always pisses me off so I yelled his name out of reflex." Ed hoped like hell the General would buy it.

"For someone who pisses you off, you sound awfully found of him." _'He's lying, but how much so I'm not sure. It's a start anyway, sometimes the truth can be pulled from the lies.'_

"I am, he's gotten me out of some tight spots. I would be lost without him."

' _He said "would be", as in he still has regular contact with this person, but how is that possible? Maybe I should have him shadowed.' _

"So, when are we going back to Central?"

'**Good, get the subject off me, you've already said too much.' **

'_Hello, Al doesn't remember our travels. I can say I met you just about anywhere.' _

'**Still, I don't like it, finding out I don't exist will get you at the very least a check up, then they will see your scars and cuts. The secret would be out.' **

"As soon as you are able to leave. Where did you meet him again?" _'Shit' _

"I met him in Central but he travels, so I'm not sure where he is now."

'_How convenient, Ed.' _

"How am I going to get my stuff? I can't go back there, it would be terrible. I hate seeing Winry cry." Roy thought for a minute or so before answering.

"Are all your things in your room?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll call Central and have Havoc –and who ever else isn't working on something –come here and we will get your things from Winry's house." Edward stood up.

"Alright, I'll go pack up the stuff I brought." Mustang let Ed walk out of the room, knowing he wouldn't get anything else out of the young man today.

* * *

Reveiw Please! 


	7. Rain

**Warning: **Self-harm, possible mentions of rape or child abuse nothing graphic and lets through possible character to the mix.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own FMA.

Hey guys! Sorry for the wait, I think something's wrong with my beta, she hasn't e-mailed me back in like a week. This means I'm the only one who has looked at this chapter so sorry for the mistakes in grammar, please bear with me.

So, I am once again it seems looking for a beta.

Also, it has been brought to my attention that some characters are OOC. I apologize and will do what I can to minimize this however, with any RoyxEd fic some OOCness is to be expected.

* * *

**Rain**

'**I can't believe you told him.' **The white room, **his** room, Edward hated it.

'_What choice did I have? It was down to telling him that or that I cut!' _Azen was standing in front of him, livid.

'**So you tell him all about Tucker having his way with you? Why the fuck didn't you just lie? Say Tucker had beaten the shit out of you something, anything but the truth. Do you have any clue what this means?' **Ed shook his head.** 'It means he will want you to see a shrink.'**

'_No, that happened years ago, I'm over it.' _Azen laughed darkly. His features shown with an evil playfulness, much like a cat who found a mouse.

'**You can't even say what happened, you can't think about it without cutting or crying. Over it, get real Ed you're drowning in it!' **He knew it, but he hated when Azen was right. **'Face it Edward, Mustang knows too much you should just kill him.' **

'_What! I can't kill him! He's the only person other than you who gives a damn! Besides I don't want to get caught and deal with a trail then death.' _Suddenly Azen was no more than a foot in front of him. Without warning he was punched in the stomach. Ed hit the floor and curled up clenching sides.

'**Wake up! He doesn't care about you, no one does. So stop letting him get close to you, he's only going to hurt you in the end and the more you trust him the worse it will be.' **Azen pulled the blonde to his feet, before turning his back on him and walking away. **'Remember Ed, Equivalent Exchange, the more you give the more you stand to lose.' **

'_I think you're the one who forgot! How can I ever be happy if I don't risk something?' _Azen wiped around leering at the short alchemist, defiantly he didn't step back or look away.

'**If you think he would want you, fine go have your little love affair, but remember this Edward Elric all you've ever been and all you ever will be is a tool to him and to everyone else in your life. The moment you have lost your usefulness they will get rid of you, just like your brother. So, if you want to be someone's little fuck toy be my guest.' **

'_I never said anything about fucking Mustang!' _The dark gray eyes softened but the sneer was still firmly in place.

'**You didn't have to say what you and I both know is true. You might not want to admit it right now, but denying it doesn't make it less real.'**

'_I- I don't have feelings for him. I'm not gay!'_ Cold laughter came rolling over him making it feel as though freezing water had been dumped over his head.

'**You let him hold you. You tell him things only I should ever know. He makes you clam down, again who but myself has ever been able to do that! Face it Ed, you have feelings for him, you'd do anything for him wouldn't you? To help him, to keep him from getting hurt and no not like Alphonse it's nothing like that now is it?' **

'_No! I-I-' _

Ed closed the distance between them and hugged Azen as though everything would fall apart if he let go. Azen, while shocked at first, held the blonde.

'_Make it stop! This is all wrong. I can't be like this-I' _the reflection hushed him softly.

'**It's alright Edward these bad feelings will become easier to deal with in time but you only make it worse when you let him get close to you, push him away and eventually the feelings will go away.' **He didn't want to be alone again but the closer the General got, the worse his fights with Azen got. Ed looked down at the two new cuts on his arm. The price he promised to pay for his moment of weakness in front of Mustang. They were just below the two he made the night before. **'Everything will be alright if you listen to me Ed, you need to trust me. After all, the only person in the world you should trust is yourself.' **And Azen was a part of him so the words made since.

'_If I push everyone away, could I stop?' _He hated what he did, hated it because he loved it and somehow loving it made it seem all the more wrong.

'**Of course Ed, if you stop doing bad things I think you could get to a place where you wouldn't have to do that. The other reason I keep bringing up the past is because you still don't seem to have learned from it. By pushing everyone away you show that you have learned the lesson.' **Azen smiled. Edward smiled back and nodded before leaving back to the real world where he was sitting alone on the bed in his hotel room. This would be the last day he ever spent in Rizembool; he had to do something before he left.

* * *

'_How the hell do I always get stuck doing grunt work!' _Major Havoc fumed as he packed boxes with the contents of the dresser. "Come to Rizembool Major, I have an important mission for you, bring Hawkeye too." Rang the mock voice of the General. _'Yeah real important, acting as standing movers at arms!' _Hawkeye was with Winry who had been crying non-stop since they arrived to pack up Ed's things. Al was MIA which was likely a good thing he didn't want to try and fight him, then still have to pack.

'_Mustang better stay clear of my date tomorrow after all this crap. Why the hell do I follow him?' _Then Havoc remembered the tiny mini skirt speech and spent the next few hours packing with an oddly cheery smile.

* * *

"Hello Mother, I'm sorry this is going to be the last time I can visit." Edward could feel something breaking, ripping it's way up his throat as the words were forced out of his mouth. He had to explain to her why he wouldn't visit anymore, she had a right to know.

"You told me to always look after Alphonse. I will still keep track of him, I'll send Winry money for the both of them, so he won't have to leave town to find a job. I've done some things Mother-" His voice seemed lost; Azen was behind him now both hands on his shoulders. "that you would not be proud of, but I fixed the mess I made the best I could. Still there's something I do that you could never understand, no one can. I don't know what to do anymore. Even Al wants me gone, so I'm leaving."

He wanted to cry, he wanted someone to hold him and tell it was all going to be ok, he had wanted the same thing since his mother died. He wanted Roy, but knew he could never do that. He knew Azen was listening to all the things he wasn't saying, but he didn't get violent, nor did he leave. It seems admitting what you want is ok so long as you acknowledge you can't have it.

"But it's for the best; I would only drag him down now."

"That's not true brother." Alphonse was walking up the slope. Edward stood in shook and realized Al just heard everything he said _- there's something I do that you could never understand, no one can-. 'Shit.' _

"We've been over this, I'm leaving and never coming back, that way you can forget about me." Ed turned and began to walk away.

"I remember!" He shouted frantically. "I remember everything, brother. I'm so sorry, I never would have said those things if –"

"If you had your memory. Alphonse what should that matter, unless you had forgotten I was your brother-" Edward had turned back around. He was tried, tried of hurting, tried of letting Al walk all over him.

'**That's right Edward, it is so much easier to hate then to be hurt.' **

"Edward I'm sorry. About everything! I should have seen you hurting sooner. I want to help, brother your sick and-" Azen would later tell Edward that he could hear the snap.

"I'm sick! I'm sick, you're the one who lost his memory, why, because you didn't want to remember. It was so easy wasn't it Al to just make the bad go away, to not have to remember. Didn't matter if you forgot me in the process. And I'm the sick one, I remember everyday Al." He said pointing at the grave. "I remember losing not just mom, but Nina and Hughes. I never forgot them not once." They were both standing on their mothers grave Edward towering over Alphonse in his rage. "I didn't forget the terrible things that happened to get your body back-

"I didn't choose to forget! Brother I never would have lost my memory if it was my choice! Why are we fighting?" If Ed wasn't so high on rage the pleading look from his younger brother would have broken him.

"Because you forgot and if the person I suffered and sinned for doesn't even remember what was the fucking point!" Edward turned to leave again but this time Al grabbed his left arm. Ed couldn't stop the gasp that fell from his lips at the sudden surge of pain.

"Brother-" Ed wiped around bringing his automail fist straight into Al's unsuspecting gut. He watched his younger brother stumble to the ground.

"I'm sorry Al but this is for your own good." Edward bolted leaving Alphonse curled up on their mother's grave gasping for air.

* * *

He ran, he ran like he never had before, even at times when he was running for his life he could always turn around and fight. But when the thing you're running from can't simply be punched or kicked away all you can do is run.

The sky seemed to sense his distress and cried for him, with giant tears falling in sheets soaking, drowning everything in its sorrow. Ed fell to the ground, he was already drenched to he's boxer's, more water didn't matter, the mud didn't matter, hell nothing mattered anymore.

At least the rain and ground tied him to reality, he wouldn't slip away. However he didn't know if that was a good thing anymore. "Azen!" He screamed the name, which echoed through the forest he had ended up, the trees repeating it over and over again. Then everything went white, for the second time today he was in the white room. He was lying down his head resting on –

"**It's okay Edward, I'm here now."** Azen's hands worked their way through his loose dry hair. Come to think of it, everything was dry. He knew he was in a puddle of muddy water, but he couldn't feel anything from the outside so it didn't matter to him. Ed didn't know how much time he spent just lying with his head on Azen's lap before he fell asleep.

* * *

Searching. Mustang seemed to be doing a whole lot more of it then normal. Right now he was searching for the cause of all his resent searches. _'Ed' _The young man had been missing since around two, when the General had gone to check up on him. He had been searching for a few hours before the rain hit. Roy had go back to the hotel to get his coat and hat before continuing the looking.

After checking the town, Winry's house, and where the Elric house had once stood, Mustang found himself at the gates of the town cemetery. The General combed the rows of tombstones until he saw a figure standing in front of a grave on top of the hill. He felt an insuppressible surge of hope at the sight of blonde hair. He was disappointed however, when he came face to face with Alphonse instead of Ed.

"Where's Fullmetal?" The teen was soaked from head to toe, he looked like had been in the rain since it started over an hour ago.

"I don't know." Mustang turned and began to walk away.

"Wait! I need to talk to you about Ed, he's not well."

"What do you mean?" Dark eyes narrowed as Roy faced the blonde. He was still angry with him for saying such things about his brother.

"Please, just listen. I remember everything. And brother has been acting very strangely, I didn't know until now. He's been sad and angry at random times for almost nothing, not just if someone called him short. He's been secretive too. We got in a fight because I was trying to apologize! Something's very wrong with him. He can't go to Central, I don't know what might happen if he is alone." The Flame alchemist could tell by the redness in his eyes that Alphonse was crying. He walked up to the youngest Elric and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry; I'm making Edward stay with me so I can keep an eye on him. I'll make sure he's alright. You should go now before you get sick." Al nodded and was about to leave when-" Wait Alphonse, have you ever met Azen?" The soaked teen looked perplexed.

"Azen? No sir, I don't think so." Mustang grimaced as he continued.

"You've never heard Edward mention him." Al's expression was still annoyingly blank.

"No, sir."

"And your sure you all your memories back." The General's gaze intensified but Al didn't wafer in his confusion.

"I believe so." He didn't move not sure if he was done being questioned.

"That's all, thank you, Alphones." With one last nod Al turned and began walking to Winry's house; he had to apologize to her too now that he thought about it. Roy watched him leave before continuing the search for Edward.

* * *

Should Mustang find out about Ed's self-injury soon or should I wait and drag it out more?

Please Review!


	8. Why

Alright, Thanks to everyone who reviewed, it was helpful.

I just moved so I don't have internet. I would like to take a moment to thank whoever's signal I am leeching.

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**Why?**

Cold, the purest most all consuming cold he could ever remember feeling. It was so intense and numbing he wasn't even sure if he could move. However, with rain water pooling all around him he had to get up or drown. In fact, that was what had a woken him, his own harsh coughs and heaves as his lungs worked furiously to expel the water his unconscious body had inhaled. Edward slowly, painfully pulled himself to his knees all the while gasping for air. He tried to stand but only managed it for a second or two before falling back down to the water and muck below.

He was tired, hungry, and freezing. That was not a good combination. Ed knew that if he fell asleep again he might not ever wake up. Fullmetal clenched his teeth and tried again, this time managing to stumble into a tree. He gasped as his right shoulder came into contact with the tree. It was still raining and the water levels seemed to be rising. _'Shit, the train station's probably flooded. We won't be able to leave till tomorrow at the earliest.' _

Edward wobbled from tree to tree trying to get back to the hotel room. Through the mud and debris of the shin high water he made his way out of the harsh elements that had once seemed so friendly. He was almost to the graveyard.

"FULLMETAL!" Who the hell was yelling so damn loud, it was giving him a headache.

"Shut up!" The yell came as a whisper against the pounding of the tempest. He stomped to rest.

"Edward!" _'Should've known it was the General, that loud son of a bitch.' _Unexpectedly he found himself in said man's arms being carried bridal style.

"Put me down." He tried to struggle but found it difficult in his state. However he was a little warmer now and he cou-ld.just..fa-ll..to

"Ed! Stay awake, You could have hypothermia. You sleep, you die." _'Die? Isn't that what he wanted to do? No one wants me here anymore, all you want is a fuck toy or dog that will play fetch with homunculi. You don't want me, you only want what I can do.' _

'**That's right Ed no one wants you here, why not just leave?' **

'_Where to?' _

'**The darkness, that place you love so much we can go there and never leave.' **

'_I –I don't want to die.' _

'**But what is there to live for Ed? You will never have enough-enough love or joy or happiness. There'll never be enough blood or tears to drive away the hurt and hate so why not give that all up?' **

He couldn't think of anything to say back. If he let people in they only ever caused him pain or he would let them down; either way he was alone again. That was something he hated more than anything, being alone, but he wasn't always alone anymore was he? No, he had Azen now.

He didn't have to play a failing role for Azen. He was the only person he truly had and now Azen wanted him to end his pain. He couldn't do this anymore, hiding from almost the whole world, from everyone except Mustang. It didn't matter, the General would never truly- but he had said- _Roy Mustang, not the General, and not the Flame Alchemist needs you Edward Elric not the Fullmetal Alchemist and not the genius son of Hoehiem of light but short-as-his-temper Ed_ -Even now he could hear Mustang asking him dumb questions trying to keep him awake, trying to keep him alive.

"Answer me Edward what is my name?"

"General Roy Mustang, Flame alchemist." **'No Edward never forget, they don't care, not him not any of them. I'm the only one who does.' **Everything was getting fuzzy but Edward forced himself to answer all the questions he was being asked.

"What's alchemy's most basic law?" They were getting closer, they had just passed the outskirts of the town, but what would happen when they got to the hotel?

"In order to gain something, something of equal value must be lost, Equivalent Exchange." He felt like he was floating, everything was so numb.

"Ed! Wake up, who's Azen?" He was too far gone to think straight anymore. All he could do was answer the question just like all the others before it.

"He's the only person who really cares, he does whatever he can to take care of me." He wanted Azen, he wanted the white room but it seemed his messed up little head wouldn't even grant him that.

"Edward I've been looking for you for hours in the freezing rain, do you think I care about you?" Everything was nothing more than blurred colors. '_I can't do this anymore, I want to leave. Azen?' _

"Edward!"

"Yes! I know you care you always have, you've always looked out for me and did your best to make sure I was safe just like-_just like Azen._" They were in the hotel now, he could tell by the fact that things had gotten brighter and the sounds of the storm now seemed muffled and far away.

"Them why do you act like no one cares?" They were still, must be waiting for the elevator.

"Because it's easier if no one cares, I can keep everyone away, and keep myself locked up and safe." They seemed to be moving again, they would be to his room soon and he could just take a hot shower and go to sleep.

"Doesn't it get lonely?" He could feel his weight being shifted around and knew Mustang must be trying to open the door.

"Yes, but that's why I have Azen." He was set down on the bed, the General held his shoulders to keep him up right.

"Edward listen carefully, you're more likely then not suffering from hypothermia. Do you know how to treat that?" _'Hypothermia, the body gets too cold, a person can die if they don't get warmer- best and easiest treatment is -'_

"Body heat." Suddenly Ed found he was quite awake, the numbness was gone and he became aware of everything, but most of all the man in front of him who was looking very serious.

"That's right Edward, body heat. So, I'm going to help you change into some dry boxers and I'm going to take off most of my clothes and we are going to get in bed. I'm going to hold you, that's it, nothing else will happen I promise, but we need to do this to get you warm again." Ed was already shaking his head. _'If I take off my coat he'll-'_

"NO!" He tired to move away but Roy held his shoulders tightly. His breathing was nothing more than short gasps.

"Ed, I won't hurt you I'm not him. You trust me right?" His vision was swimming and he knew if he wasn't careful he'd pass out.

"I trust you but-" Without warning Mustang started pulling off his coat. The blonde pulled away, leaving the coat behind. He still had his black over coat on top of his tank top, however this was less clothing than he cared for.

"Then what's the problem Edward?" The General had that serious look again. _'What do I do, I can't let him find out!' _

'**Run, Ed run.' ** He didn't need to be told twice. Ed rolled off the bed and made bolted for the door. His movements were once again too slow, Roy grabbed him and brought him to the floor.

"No! You're not running away again Fullmetal, stop acting like child." They were wrestling and Ed was losing. His over shirt had been undone and _'It's over everything, my life, my career it's over.' _

Mustang couldn't hold back the gasp or keep the horror off his face. They both sat there for what seemed like forever, Ed looking like a deer in head lights and Roy who couldn't look away. The bandages with blood stains, the seemingly endless scars, it looked as though almost no part of the young man's arm had been left untouched. Then it all came back to him, the events the scotch had blocked out from the night before, the blood in the diner.

"Oh Ed-"

"Shut up!" The small man scooted away and turned his back to his superior. "Just take me to some fucking nut house where I can rot so you and Al and the rest of the world can forget me!" Ed gasped when he felt arms wrap around him. Mustang held him even as he began to struggle.

"I'm not taking you to a nut house calm down." Still Ed continued to fight despite his weakened state. Roy could tell they were getting nowhere, he needed to get Edward dried and in bed, this would give him time to figure out what to do about-about whatever the hell he was doing. "Where do you keep your first-aid supplies?" He asked when the blond had tuckered himself out and gotten him wet, he would have to take off everything but his boxer briefs as well.

"In the suitcase." Roy could feel Ed's muscles tense as he started to let go.

"If you try and run I'll tell Al." He said lightly running his fingers over the scars. Ed's eyes widened in horror._ 'This can't be happening! Azen!' _Suddenly Azen was there in front of him looking very serious. **'Listen we have to run. He knows! He'll tell, we can't have everyone knowing. Come on Ed, let's go! ' **

'_But I can't out run him like this, you know I'm too weak.' _ Azen smirked and walked to the door.

'**Alchemy Edward, use it. That old horse is useless in the rain, now let's go.' ** Ed stood up only to feel a hand on his shoulder.

"Take off the rest of your clothes and up on some dry shorts, then dry your hair, when your done I'll redress your wounds." He let go and took a few steps away leaving his back to the young man for some amount of privacy. "And Ed-" The blonde turned to see the General, hard and impassive. "I hunted you down once, I can and will do it again." And in that moment he knew he could run to the other side of the gate and still Mustang would follow him and bring him back. Without another word Edward changed and dried off, then sat on the bed.

'_He looks so sad. Why? I'm the one who's fucked, so why is he looking so sad?'_ Roy did indeed look heart-broken as he inspected the fresh wounds. _'How could I've not known? Some of these scars look years old, am I that blind and self absorbed, he was always getting hurt on missions so no one ever really looked twice at a scrape here a gash there, how many times have I seen something you did to yourself and brushed it off as nothing? How many times could I have stopped this if I had only pushed harder for the truth?' _

"Why." Mustang had let the shorter mans arm go and was looking dead into those dull gold eyes.

"Why what?" He had crawled into the dark and numb place. He didn't want to be there but knew Azen would rip him a new one for not running, despite the pointlessness of it. _'Please forgive me.'_

"Don't play dumb I'm talking about this!" He grabbed his wrist roughly stretching out his arm pulling it in front of his face, the evidence of his sin. "Why did you do this Edward? Why would you attack your own body, rip apart your own flesh? Why?" Ed couldn't help but laugh the sort of dark chuckle that would have made Azen proud.

"Why do you drink General?" He looked up at the man with those dull eyes, somehow even with their lack of emotion they still seemed defiant.

"Damn it Ed, this isn't about me!" He couldn't help but laugh again.

"The reason I attack my own body, the reason I rip apart my own flesh to spill my blood is the same reason you drink. It makes me forget, and so much more. I feel. I spent a long time feeling nothing or guilty over the horrible things I've done." He held up his wrist looking at the countless scars. "I feel like I've made up for all those terrible things and that feeling brings me a peace I haven't felt since my mother died." He looked at the General again with tears he refused to let fall. "Is that such a terrible thing?"

Mustang wanted to answer. He wanted to tell him it was wrong but knew it wouldn't do any good. He settled for carefully dressing the fresh wounds. One was particularly deep and looked as if it might become infected if not cared for properly. _'Of all the things to go to for comfort and you choose this.' _It wasn't the first time he'd seen this sort of thing. He saw many things on the Ishballain front; the horrors weren't limited to the battlefield. Most soldiers, like him, hit the bottle, others smoked as many cigarettes as they could get there hands on. There were however a few who felt the only way to wash off the blood of those they killed was with their own. These men kept to themselves and if discovered were sent off to the mental health wing of the military hospital in Central.

'_Why is he being so gentle? I hate it. I hate the sad look on his face. I hate the way he's so careful with my wounds. I hate the way his fingertips brush over my scars. But most of all I hate the fact that it all makes me want to break down and cry. I've done nothing wrong! So then why do I feel guilty?" _

"All done. Get into bed." He did so with out hesitation, happy to break the contact even if it was for only a minute while the General took off the rest of his clothes. Even under the covers he was shivering, it looked like hypothermia really might have crawled into him. Speaking of crawling in, the now barely clothed Mustang was settling in next to him. He felt an arm around his waist and before he knew it his body was pulled seamlessly against a much warmer one. He wanted to fight it, to move away, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. So he just tried his best to fall asleep and not think about how nice Roy's skin felt against his, or how safe he felt curled up next to the other man.

It was wrong and he knew it. He knew he would pay dearly for this but right now he didn't care.

'_I won't let you do this anymore Edward. I don't care if it makes me a hypocrite, I don't care if it makes you hate me, but I won't stand by and watch you hurt yourself. Maybe one day you'll understand.' _

His hand moved unconsciously to the loose blonde hair and he worked his fingers through it gently. Ed's breathing began to even out; he was halfway gone to dreamland.

"I don't know what lies ahead, but you're not facing it alone."

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Ok what do you think? Seriously, I really need feed back on this chapter. Tell me what you think. I also appreciate ideas for later chapters. 


	9. Unacceptable

**Unacceptable**

Bright light hit the eye lids of a grumpy alchemist who didn't feel like facing the world yet. He rolled over in an attempt to recapture sleep before remembering the night before and shooting upright.

'**You really did it this time Ed.' **The blonde turned to see Azen leaning against the wall just left of the door. The bed was empty; Mustang must have already got up and left. **'I say run and what do you do, you fall asleep cuddled up to him. You make me sick! What happened to –I don't want to feel this anymore- Huh? It's wrong and you know it, but you still don't push him away, what's your problem!' **

Edward looked away, not able to face his wrath. He'd known it would be like this, he just hadn't known it would be this bad. He had hoped Azen would understand that he probably would have died if he'd tried to run, but it didn't seem like it.

'**I don't care if you might have died, you should have ran! What are you going to do now Ed? You're moving in with him, he's going to watch and check; he won't let you cut!' **A hand grabbed his chin and forcefully turned his face, the grey eyes seemed more frightening than last night's storm clouds. To the young alchemist, it was like looking into the mouth of hell.

"I won't stop. You forget Azen he has a drinking problem he's trying to keep quite, if he tries to expose me, I'll expose him." He was still glaring.

'**Prove it! Prove to me you won't stop, prove to me your more than someone's little bitch!' **Obediently, Ed stood and walked over to last night's pair of pants and pulled out his silver pocket watch. He turned back to his reflection.

"I'm so sorry Azen. I know it's wrong, but it seems no matter how hard I try to push him away I still end up in his arms. I feel safe there, like I do in the white room. He wouldn't hurt me like- like Tucker did." Suddenly he found himself pinned to the wall behind him, a ghostly white hand securely around his neck.

'**He wouldn't what? Rape you? He wouldn't make you hate yourself? He wouldn't make you want slit your wrists? Wake Up! He already hurts you!' **Azen let go and Ed slumped to the floor coughing and rasping. He could feel tears sting the corners of his eyes as he tried to pull himself up. His back came to rest against the wall and his legs stretched out before him.

"I'm sorry Azen." He pulled up his boxers a little bit and pulled his razor blade out of his pocket watch. He shivered as the cold blade came to rest on his right outer thigh. It was so pretty, so much smooth, unmarred skin and here he was ready ruin it. This skin, hell this body was already ruined; he was just making it show. He tried to control his shaking as he raised the blade. Slowly, painfully he brought the razor down the side of his thigh. He bit his lip to hold in the groan that begged to escape.

'**That's it Edward, pay the price for your cowardice and weakness.' **He brought the blade up a little higher and brought it slicing down parting the skin to let that red form of redemption wash away the sin of the night before. _'I won't stop. I can't stop.' _

"I won't ever be able to stop, I will always do things that make me sick, that make you sick. That is why I must continue to do this." Azen smiled and keeled down beside him. Gently, he pulled the young man into his lap and brought his head to rest on top of Ed's.

'**You're finally starting to understand. Now clean up, who knows when that old horse will be back.' **The blonde nodded and cleaned up the blood before grabbing his clothes and bandages. He walked over to the bathroom door.

"Thank you, Azen. I'd be lost without you." He looked back at the figment sitting on the bed. He had a smirk on his face as he answered.

'**I know.' **Ed smiled as he went to take his shower. _'Everything is falling apart but I still have Azen, I think that so long as I have him, and listen to him the best I can, everything will somehow be ok.' _

After his shower he re-dressed all his wounds including the two newest additions and put on his boxers and pants. He was still drying is hair when he realized he'd left his tank top out in the room. Ed went to retrieve the missing article of clothing. He saw Azen sitting on the bed looking grumpy.

"What's wrong A-"

'**Shut Up! Dumb-ass you're not alone!' **Ed wiped around to see Mustang sitting in a chair opposite the bed looking at him curiously. _'Oh, Shit.' _He thought as he turned to face the General.

"Who were you talking to Ed?" The blonde looked at the floor. Azen stood up and walked beside his corporeal counterpart.

"'**Sorry sir, I thought, I thought I saw my brother Al just now. I guess I miss him so much I'm seeing things.'" **Ed's eyes widened. _'Don't do that Azen, I know you're trying to help but don't say things for me like that!' _It didn't happen that often, but every now and again Azen would take over his voice, usually he just said the words and Ed would repeat them.

"It's okay Fullmetal. I know you miss him, it's not unusual to see people you miss terribly." Ed winced knowing Roy was talking about Maes the best friend, father and husband who died because of him.

'**Tell him you want to stay here.' **

'_What?'_

'**Al and Winry don't know. Living with them would be easier.' **

"Sir, I think I want to live here and work things out with Al." The General sighed. _'Why am I not surprised Ed wants to stay here?' _Mustang thought for a minute or so more before answering.

"Alright, stay, I'll just tell Alphonse-"

"You'll tell him what?" His eyes had narrowed dangerously and though Roy couldn't see it Azen was looking murderous.

"Well Edward," He paused trying to carefully choose his words. "The people you live with need to know about your condition." He knew the moment the last word escaped his lips he hadn't chosen carefully enough.

"My condition? What am I sick?"

'**Let me take over Ed, let my deal with this old horse.' **Azen was like a devil whispering sweet words of promised pain and torment.

'_No!' _

"Yes Ed, you are mentally ill. That's why the people around you need to know! So they can watch over you." The still shirtless, long haired blonde took a step forward.

"I swear if you tell Al, I'll tell everyone about your drinking problem!" It was Mustang's turn to look dangerous.

"Go right on ahead, I'll admit it and I'll receive what ever treatment the military sees fit." Ed could only look on in a mixed gape of shock and horror. _'He doesn't care if people know?'_

'**I call bullshit.' **

"Bullshit, I know you don't want people to know. You wouldn't work so hard to hide it if you didn't care if people knew!" Roy just smirked that damn smirk.

"I never said that I didn't care. I don't want people to know. However, I will do whatever I have to do to make sure you don't hurt yourself anymore." Azen stepped forward laughing manically.

'**You can't stop him! He already has hurt himself again! Try, try whatever you like; you can't stop him!' **The reflection laughed some more before walking up and facing Ed. **'Looks like we don't have a choice. We need to keep this as quiet as possible, but you won't stop now, will you?' **Edward mimicked the other mans smug look.

'_Of course not.' _

"Alright then, I guess you've left me with no choice. I'll move in with you, that way no one else has to know." He glanced at Azen who was leaning against the wall, excited by all the conflict that was sure to come. Ed was dreading it.

"Alright, I'll go tell Havoc that we are all leaving on the next train out of here." The General stood and walked towards the door.

"This isn't fair." Mustang turned back to look at the other alchemist. "You think I like seeing you face first in your own vomit, you could die just as easily as I could, but I didn't ask you to stop. I know it's what you do, why can't you accept that this is what I do?"

Roy moved toward him closing the gap between them. Slowly he took hold of Ed's wrist, lifting his arm. His fingers lightly ran over the scars on his arm. The blond had to hold in a shiver at the soft touches on skin that was usually always covered.

"Because this is something I can never accept." Those words hurt more than anything he had ever done to himself. Ed pulled away.

"I told you, I told you'd hate the real me."

"Ed I-"

"Shut Up! I don't want to hear it! Just get out!" Mustang walked back to the door.

"I don't hate you, and because I don't hate you, I can't accept it." With that said he left. The eldest Elric collapsed onto the floor and curled up into a little ball.

'**It's okay Ed it's just us. Come here.' **And just like that he was in the white room, head resting on Azen's lap. He was crying even if his body refused to let real tears fall. He cried as Azen whispered comforting words of all the tricks and plans for hiding his habit from everyone, especially that damn old horse.

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The next few hours passed in a blur of fake smirks and laughs. Somehow he was on the train back to Central with Havoc, Hawkeye and that bastard General. He was only half paying attention to what was happening, Azen told him things to say every so often, aside from that he just stared out the window.

"So Edward are you excited to be moving to Central?" Havoc asked trying to pull the distant man into the conversation.

'**You won't be in Central that often, not with all the missions you'll have.' **Azen was in the white room, but was still listening in for Ed's sake.

"You know me Havoc-" He said facing him with one of his trademark grins. "-I'm never anywhere for too long, not with all the missions the General likes to give me." Said man was sitting on the bench in front of him. Havoc sat on the bench across the aisle from him, with Hawkeye polishing her gun in front of him.

"Actually Fullmetal, your next mission requires you to stay in Central." The blonde fought to keep his face neutral as Azen said some things that would have made a sailor blush.

"Is that so? And here I thought you had enough people to do your paperwork." _'What kind of bullshit mission has he cooked up to keep me in central?' _Roy smiled before elaborating.

"No, you won't be doing paperwork, you'll be one of the guards for an old friend of yours. Sheska has become a influential member of the Assembly. She's ruffled some feathers by trying to organize members to vote against any military action that could land us in another war. Apparently so much so that someone tried to take her life yesterday." Ed didn't know what shocked him more, that fact some one had tried to kill Sheska or the fact that the bookworm had become so powerful in the Assembly that someone would want her dead.

'**Well at least he isn't trying to make you one of his office jocks.' **

'_That's true. At least this will give me some time away from Mustang.' _

The train was almost to Central. Soon he would be moved into the Generals house. Ed curled up and went to the white room, hoping to catch a nap before having to face Roy alone. He was sure there would be more lectures about his 'unacceptable' habit then. Right know he didn't want to deal with it. So, he rested his head on Azen's lap and let go of consciencesness; happy for a bit of calm before the next storm to come

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Hello everyone! So tell me what you think? Things are far from over as you can see, I promised I won't have Ed stop so easily, it's not realistic trust me. 


	10. Road

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Important note: First, I know it has been forever and a day since I updated and I am sorry but let me explain so things. I started this story when I was cutting and did write at times through my recovery. However it became too much, put myself in the moment of the act in order to write this story became more than I could handle so I had to stop. I am proud to though that I feel like I'm strong enough to continue this story safely. So it is with great joy I give the next chapter!

New Road

'_1…..2….3….1….2…..' _One foot in front of the other, _'3….1…..2…….3' _ Edward made his way through the busy train station eyes down cast, watching the feet of the crowd. Azen weaved them through the suffocating sea of people. Most of them shouting, laughing, he was sure if he looked up he would have seen all their faces smiling back at him. The thought made him sick. _'1….2….3….1…2…3..1..2..3..1..!' _ He tried to catch his breath. _'Too many people.' _ He stopped walking paralyzed by the overwhelming pain in his chest.

'**Ed?' **

He felt a hand on his shoulder, but it wasn't Azen.

"Come on Edward, we'll be out of here soon, clam down." After the whispered words he was gently pushed forward and stirred through the rest of the masses. _'How can this be happening? I hid everything for so long, how is it he can see it all now?' _

'**Because he knows it's there.' **

He did his best to let go, to shut down and let Mustang and Azen lead. _'Am I even living anymore? Some else is always in control, Azen controls my head and my body and the General controls my life.' _

'**Makes you want to cut the strings?' **

He wanted to, he wanted so badly to cut until there was nothing left to be manipulated. Ed was so tired and it never got any easier, hell it got harder.

He went to the white room and let Azen take over for a while. At least until he was sitting on what was to be his bed, . Edward did his best to not take in the full meaning of those words. He had no control anymore, there was no escaping the reality of the situation. Ed would be living here for who knew how long. He felt so trapped, like the will to live had been suffocated and laid rotting in his head.

The oldest Elric bit his lip trying to block out the images bleeding into his mind. Slowly they dripped into reality. He wasn't sure when had gotten up, he couldn't recall pulling out his pocket watch. He didn't even realize he'd taken off his top layers of clothing, until he was staring horrified at a fresh gash across his forearm.

'_What the hell just happen?' _

'**You cut, you just don't need to think about it that much anymore.' **

'_What have I become? I use to have a reason to exist but now-' _Ed was gone, lost in endlessness of darkness of his mind. It was at that point the door swung open.

"Hey Fullmetal, What to want for din-" Roy stared not in disgust, but in pure disbelieve. Edward was standing the staring at a new self inflicted wound on his forearm, too far gone to even realize him standing there. _'Ed…' _Mustang didn't know what to do. He walked back down to the kitchen and pulled out a glass and a bottle of scotch.

'_That's right drown the problem like always.' _Roy thought to himself. He poured a glass. He picked it up, but all he could think about was Ed lost in his head, bleeding on the carpet of his guest bedroom. It became clear then, that there was no difference in what he and Ed did.

'_I can't ask him to stop!' _Angry at his euphony the General chunk his glass into the sink causing the glass to shatter with a thunderous crack. Not done yet with his expression of rage and self hatred Mustang throw the scotch bottle more at the sink than in it, he then went fishing out and hurling every bottle of liquor in the kitchen to the sink breaking it.

'_Why, why dose he have to do this to hurt like this. I can't stand watching him break again and again, it's too much for anyone to take. Why can't I help him, why?' _

Still not satisfied even after the last bottle was gone, the General punched the counter by the sink inadvertently punching broken glass as well. He was about to do it again when something caught his arm mid-swing.

"Stop!" It seemed the thunderstorm of breaking glass had been loud enough to wake Ed from his stupor. "please, stop." He choked out, he was –

"Ed." Mustang lowered his fist and turned to Ed over shirt and jacket thrown on in a hurry, blood seeping through the fabric and tears running down his face.

Roy pulled the smaller figure into a tight hug. One hand tangled its self in the mess of blonde hair, while the hand with glass still in the knuckles rested on petite back.

"It's okay Ed. Do you understand now why I can't stand by and watch you hurt yourself? I care about you too much." The blonde couldn't believe what he had just seen, for the first time in his life it became apparent to him that he didn't just hurt himself when he cut.

' _I don't want this, I don't want to be this! I'm hurting the only person who cares and tries to understand! I don't want to be the reason he hurts.' _

Ed balled into the crook of Mustang's neck, it was like he was trying to cry all the tears he'd held back for years. Roy's hand was killing him but comforting Fullmetal was more important then mending his hand. _'Nothing is more important than taking care of Edward.' _

Mustang wasn't sure when it had happened but for quite sometime now the most important thing was Ed. Keeping him safe, making sure he eat regularly, slept enough everything he could do. Not Alphonse, just Ed, he'd have murdered Al if he had known what Edward had done to himself after his brothers harsh words. He wished he could have the satisfaction of slowly charring every inch of Tuckers flesh. But now wasn't the time to entertain such thoughts.

"We're both sick Ed and we both need to try and get better. Will you try with me? It won't be easy and we are going to mess but can you commit to trying to move forward?"

Roy looked down into those puffy golden eyes, despite the redness they seemed if possible an even brighter shade of liquid gold than normal.

"I want to try. I need to keep moving forward." For the first time since he had restored his brothers body he felt like he had a propose, a goal to reach and struggle for. It would be unpleasant, hard and it would mean facing all the things he ran from. Yet staring back into soft dark eyes he couldn't help but feel at ease with the thought that he wouldn't be doing it alone.

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Ok guys, Please review I really want to know what you think!


	11. Nothing

Important note: Hey guys! I need a beta, so if you're up to it review and let me know!

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From Nothing

'_Shut up!' _Edward was once again alone in his new room in the home of General Mustang. Said man had already said goodnight after they patched each other up, it had taken nearly an hour for Ed to get every last little shared of glass out of the other man's hand. His wound was easy enough to bandage, one of the beautiful things about self-inflicted wounds was the fact that they tended to be pretty clean, at least they were for the little blonde alchemist. But now was the moment Ed had been dreading.

'**Oh, when will you learn? You've done so many terrible things, things you have to pay for. Hell you're still doing terrible things! You can't stop you have to-' **

"Fucking shut up Azen! I'm not listening to you any more! I've paid for the same god damn sins over and over again. I'm done paying for my past! As for the things I do now, wanting to let some in is not a sin! So what if it is a guy, why should that fucking matter? I have to stop, I'm hurting the only person that cares enough to see that I have a problem!" Ed couldn't help but growl out loud, he did his best to keep his voice down, the last thing he needed was for the other man in the house to hear him fighting with someone that technical wasn't there.

Azen grinned a sick twisted sort of smirk, Ed barley had time to take it in before the other man punched him square across the jaw. The alchemist flew back, crashing into the wall.

'**You can't stop, I won't let you Ed and I'm too strong for you to fight me!' **Edward panted as he tried to regain his senses.

'_No, I won't give up I can't! I will move forward!' _ The pale figment began to walk towards the poor blonde, he raised his fist again ready to strike when- someone caught his fist. Taking a deep breath Fullmetal looked up to see a dark figure about his height pushing Azen away.

'**Sorry, but I can not let you do that.' **The voice was feminine and soft yet there was an underline strength to it. The sound of a well mannered lady that had no reservations about snapping you in two should you show a lack of respect.

'**A****nd who the fuck are you?' **The pale face was contorted with rage and shock as he stared at the unexpected guest. Edward couldn't help but stare as well. She had midnight black-blue wavy hair that flowed a few inches past her shoulders. Her dress was a black halter top, tight waist but with a big bottom due to the black lacy petty coat underneath, finished with a simple black heel. Her skin was fair put a much healthier color than Azen's liquid paper shade. She couldn't be more than eighteen or nineteen years old. A tattoo was visible between her shoulder blades, it looked like the transmutation circle he had used to try and bring his mother back from the dead. All in all she was simply beautiful.

'**Now Azen, is that any way to speak to a lady?' ** The strange young woman turned to Ed smiling softly. He couldn't help but admire her deep blue eyes as the looked him up and down concernedly.

'**Are you okay dear? He hit you pretty hard , his your head all right?' **Still in a deep state of shock Edward took a few seconds to count his breaths in and out before answering.

'_I think I'm okay, um- if you don't mind, could you tell me who you are and wha-how are you here?' _The woman sighed, slightly annoyed but still smiled as she began to answer the series of questions.

'**Abyss, or you could call me Abs for short. I am hear to help you Edward. I have been waiting and watching you from the dark place you sometimes go to. I have been waiting a very long time for you to get the will to fight Azen.' **Ed thought for a minute taking in all the information, while Azen fumed silently.

'_But I've been fight Azen since day one why are you just now helping me?' _Abyss frowned slightly looking remorseful.

'**I wanted to help sooner Edward, I swear I did. Unfortunately I could not, not until you came to terms with the past. That is what gives Azen his power, your guilt, by making peace with your past you made him weak enough for me come out.' **Azen stepped forward glaring.

'**I don't care who you think you are this changes nothing!' **The room blurred white as reality slid further behind. The twisted grin once again graced the white figments features.

'**That's where you are wrong Azen. This changes everything.' ** As soon as Abyss finished speaking the white began to be over come by darkness.

'**You can't win, even with her help. I will be back.' **The nothingness swallowed him leaving only Abs and Ed. Abyss beamed at the blonde rather pleased at what they had just accomplished.

'**Good now the two of us may talk without interruption. I will help you Edward to the best of my ability but the power Azen and myself have come from you. The more guilt, sadness and self-hatred you feel the stronger Azen will become. Have faith in yourself and I will gain strength. We can beat him Edward.' ** Fullmetal eyed the her suspiciously.

'_So, you don't want me to hurt myself? You want to help me fight Azen, so I can stop?' _Abyss nodded _'And you're ok with my past? With all the bad things that I've done?' _Again she simply nodded. _'So then what do you think I should do about Mustang?' _

'**I love him. He is a good person and he wishes to take care of you, just as I do.' **Abs hugged Ed tightly before continuing. **'I am nothing more than another piece of who you are Edward. Luckily a better part of you.' **She pulled away, walking to the bed as the darkness ebbed allowing the room to come back into view. **'Now you should get some rest, I am sure tomorrow will be a trying day but take some solace in the knowledge that I will be there. **With that said Abyss vanished leaving Ed to try and process the night's events.

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I know it's very short but I wanted to post something. So please review it really helps me find the will to make time to write.


	12. Nightmare

Nightmare

The bed beneath him was old, hard, and smelled like mold. The only light in the room was the murky glow coming from the adjacent bathroom. His body shivered slightly in anticipation and fear, the fact there were no blankets didn't help much either. He was just starting to will himself to stop and to be still when-_**thud, thud, thud**_- someone was coming down the stairs. _'No-not again- I can't-' _The door knob began to twist. _'No!' _The door slid open as a figure walked in, closing and locking the door behind him.

"Are you ready for our equivalent exchange, Edward?" The boy didn't so much as twitch. _'Not again! Please, not again!' _ The figure stepped forward into the dim light. Ed didn't want to see the other man's face, so he closed his eyes tightly. The older man was right next to the bed now. The blonde knew because his skin began to crawl like a million filthy bugs, the way it always did any time he was near. The sensation made him want to skin himself. It seemed like the only way to purge the terrible feeling.

"Good," the man whispered. Hands began to roam over Edward's body, intensifying the feeling and leaving no place safe. Ed's head spun and it took an impossible amount of will to not vomit. The unwanted touch fondled him mercilessly, stroking his most private parts. Against his will, the Judas limb began to respond.

"Good boy, Edward. It does feel good, doesn't it?"

"NOOOO!" The Fullmetal alchemist jumped out of the bed, throwing himself into the nearest corner, shaking and rocking, panting the same word over and again. Distantly he heard someone laughing, but he couldn't focus on anything except the word he kept repeating. He could still feel it, the hands all over him, everywhere at the same time, like a million little unclean digesting insects. _'I need to get them off of me!' _

'**That's right Edward, your pocket watch. Get the watch so you can make it stop.' **Azen was sitting on the bed pointing at the little sliver watch that lay abandoned on the floor only a few feet in front of him.

'_Yes! The watch, I need out of my skin.' _The blonde quickly snatched up the watch and moved back to the safety of the corner.

'**Yes, get them off Ed! Get the hands off! Leave nothing for them to touch!' **The alchemist was breathing so rapidly it was hard to see, and everything was fuzzy. His head was moving a thousand times faster than his body as he fought with the pocket watch, trying to pull it apart.

"Ed, are you ok? I thought I heard you screaming." Mustang walked into the room, but Ed seemed oblivious as his automail finger dug into the watch.

'**You're so close Ed! Keep going!' **He nodded feverishly as he ripped the two halves of the watch apart sending glass, metal gears and the razor blade flying. Roy darted over the bed, thankful he already had his shoes on. The man had met his broken glass wounds quota for the year last night. Edward moved forward, reaching for the razor blade at the General's feet. Mustang grabbed the smaller man by the shoulders and threw him onto the bed.

Suddenly, Edward Elric was very aware of the fact that someone new was in the room. With his vision still blurred, all he could make out was a much taller figure pinning him down to a bed. The nightmare began all over again.

"No! Don't fucking touch me!" Roy barely missed a right hook aimed at his jaw, then was forced to jump backwards to avoid being kicked.

"Edward, calm down! It's just me, it's Roy!" The blonde rolled to the other side of the bed. Landing none too gracefully, quickly he picked himself up. He didn't listen; he couldn't see at all now, but the overwhelming need to run kept him on his feet. Suddenly he felt two arms wrap tightly around him. Ed struggled, but couldn't free himself, and as he wore out he started to hear something. He tried to focus. It sounded like… numbers?

"2…3…1…2…3…1…2…3..-" Steady and slow, Edward wasn't sure when it happened but he realized he was now saying the numbers too, in time with the other person counting. His vision began to clear, Ed looked up at Mustang, and said man looked back, not daring to stop counting. They were sitting on the floor. Roy was leaning against the bed and he was on the man's lap…in his arms. The blonde quickly turned away as he blushed. _'How the fuck does this keep happening!' _

"Umm, What's going on Mustang?" The counting stopped.

"I was hoping you could explain that to me. How about we start with what was going on before you destroyed your watch." Ed tensed and tried to pull away but the other man's iron grip still refused to give. _'Well shit, the bastard General won't let me go 'till I explain.'_

"I had a nightmare,… about..Tucker." Edward rested his head on Roy's chest. Though he wouldn't admit it even to himself, the other man's touch helped keep away the memory of someone else's hands.

"Ed, I'm so sorry. No wonder you attacked me." Mustang buried his face in the blonde locks of the other man, kissing the top of his head.

"I'm the one who should be apologizing. I could have hurt you." Fullmetal put the fuzzy memories together, making as much sense as possible out of the bad morning's events. _'I've heard of waking up on the wrong side of the bed but, shit! I woke up on the wrong side of sanity!' _ Ed heard a giggle, confused he looked around.

"What are you looking for?" Edward gazed up at the bed, sure enough there was Abyss, looking apologetic with a hand over her mouth.

"Just making sure I didn't completely destroy my new room during my…" Ed wasn't sure how to phrase it without making him sound crazy.

"Psychotic break?" The blonde sighed deciding there wasn't a way to even begin to describe what happened without making him sound nuttier that squirrel poop.

"Yah, that." Ed sighed. _'When did I lose my mind?' _

'**It is still there, so do not fret. Beside, your sense of humor is back so I know you are feeling better.'** Abs smile down at the blonde.

'_Where were you earlier? I thought you said you wanted to help me. If it weren't for Roy I-'_

'**I do apologize, but I also told you your past is what gives Azen his strength. I am afraid that he was too strong for me to make an appearance.' **

'_Well that's great. Some help you are, Abyss.' _The young woman frowned and got off the bed and started moving toward the door.

'**Pay attention to how you feel right now, Edward. It is the key to what makes me strong. Maybe next time if you remember this feeling, I **_**can **_**be helpful.' **With that said, she slipped out the door. The teen sighed. He didn't mean to upset his newest reflection. She seemed nice, and Ed had a few questions for her, like why she had the human transmutation circle between her shoulder blades, for starters.

"Why do you keep sighing?" Mustang was gazing down at him with a rather perplexed look.

"Just trying to come to terms with the fact I'm insane." _'What the hell am I feeling any way? Frustration? Fear? Anger? No, that's what I should feel, but I don't. All I feel right now is warm; really warm, like I'm sitting in the sun and actually feeling it.' _ As he focused on the feeling, it seemed to spread from his core down his limbs, filling every inch of him with the pleasant heat.

"Well, even the crazies need to eat, so let's go downstairs and make breakfast." Edward got up and walked to the bathroom.

"I think I'll shower first." Mustang waited until he heard the water running before cleaning up the mess that had once been Edward's state alchemist watch. _'You're definitely not getting this back.' _Roy carefully picked up the innocent looking razor blade. _'But even if I take this there's a million other things he could use, and a billon more things he could transmute.' _ The General sighed heavily and walked down to the kitchen, intent on making waffles.

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Hey guys! Please review, I mean it really helps me decide what is or isn't working, what to next, ect. So review!


	13. Truth

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

Warnings: Pretty much the same shit as before guys.

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in so long. My life has gone crazier than normal in the last few months.

Truth

It was like a mild irritation in the back of his throat. That throughout the day would more times than not build to a slow burn. Uneasiness would spread over his body like a winter chill. Until the need would wash over him like waves building then reseeding only to return stronger than before, he bit his lip. Mustang stared at the bottle in his hand. The emergency office bottle of spice rum he kept in the bottom draw.

He longed for the peace he knew it would bring. The warmth that would fill his very core in a way no one had been able to for quiet sometime. The pain would numb. The loneliness would be nearly forgotten like the details of a dream. Most importantly the unease would be washed way. His throat was on fire and he could already taste the rum.

'_Just one drink, just one. No one has to know.'_ Roy opened the bottle and took a sip. He held it in his mouth savoring the spice of the liquor as it soothed the tightness in his chest. The flame alchemist swallowed, basking in the too short lived relief. It only took a few seconds for the burn to return. He knew it would take much more to give him any sort of lasting peace. With a sigh he retuned the bottle to the draw and got up from his desk. He couldn't stay here he wasn't strong enough. He would have lunch with Edward. He had dropped the little alchemist off at Shezka's that morning. _' I will dump the bottle after lunch. I just need to be reminded of why I'm doing this.' _

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Shezka's office resembled a small library more than the office of a powerful senator. A title the Fullmetal alchemist was still having a hard time swallowing. On every wall from floor to ceiling there were book cases. Even her desk was custom built to have a book case in the front instead of the normal painfully detailed ornamental crap that covered the front of most of the other official's desks. A leather couch seemed to be randomly tossed into the center of the room. The hero for the people sat in the 'reading chair' attempting to count all the books in the room without moving. After counting 1,873 books in the room, he simply started at the window with a blank gaze normally reserved for high school math teachers.

He had been there for three hours watching her do paper work and talk to what must have been every person in Central on the phone. _'I'm going to lose my mind if I have to do this for another day, let alone the next few weeks!' _The blonde could hear someone laughing. _'Shut up Azen. I know I'm crazy._' The pale man appeared on the couch in front of him.

'_**You do know why you got stuck with this job right?**_The tiny alchemist rolled his eyes.

'_Duh! Because Mustang wants to keep me in Central so he can keep an eye on me.' _Azen laughed again.

'_**Oh the old horse is smarter than your giving him credit for. There are plenty of other jobs that would have kept you in Central and been a better use of your time. Don't you realize that if you're watching Shezka she's watching you?' **_Edward clenched his fists.

'_He's trying to make it so I don't have a chance to cut.' _

'_**Bingo.'**_

'_It's not like I can't just go to the bathroom.' _

'_**Of course you can. But you have to admit this assignment dose make it a bit harder than your usual jobs.' **_

Edward hated to admit it but the reflection had a point. The missions he was normally sent on gave him more than enough free time to indulge in his . . . habit? Compulsion?

'_**Addiction.' **_Abyss appeared leaning against the book case to the left side of the reading chair.

'_**Who the hell invited you?' **_Azen growled as he gazed murderously at the dark haired women.

'_**And who invited you? You are not helping Edward. You hurt him. I think it would be best if you left.' **_The pale reflection jumped up and began to advance on Abs.

'_**Look here bitch, I'm trying to help Ed. I'm the only one who has always been there for him and damn it I'm the only reason the kid is still alive!' **_Azen was glaring down at her now. Ed was worried he might have to jump in the middle and break things up. Why weren't they fighting in the white room?

'_**You are right. Edward needed you. But his needs have changed. You must change with them or become useless. I will not let you try to keep him chained to the past. Edward deserves better.' **_Azen shook his head and sat back down on the couch looking suddenly very tired.

'_**I'm not strong enough to take us to the white room. She isn't strong enough to take you to her room either. We weaken each other Ed. Is this what you really want? How many times have I saved you? **_The alchemist sighed.

'_Azen you have saved more times than I care to count. I need you. But I don't want to cut anymore. I have paid the price for all of my past sins. I have to move forward.' _Edward looked at the reflection. He looked so tired, so drained.

'_**You will cut again Ed.' **_

'_You're probably right, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.'_

"Fullmetal?" Edward looked up to Shezka's desk to see Mustang and Havoc standing by the assembly member.

"Hello general what brings you here so early?" Roy was suppose to pick him up around five.

"Well I thought I would take you out to lunch." The blonde fought the urge to blush as Abyss giggled beside him.

'_**Great now you're going on a date with the old horse. This day just keeps getting better and better.' **_With that said Azen disappear from the couch.

'_It's not a date!' _

'_**Have a good time Edward.' **_Abs nearly sang before she walked out of the room. Ed realized Roy was staring at him waiting for a response.

"Sounds good to me lets go." With that said he rose from the chair and went for the door without looking up. Knowing his features would betray his embracement. He made it half way down the hall before the general caught up.

"Wow Ed, I knew you would be bored but you didn't have to run out of the office." Fullmetal choose to ignore the sarcasm.

"So where are we going to eat?" They had made it outside now to the car parked on a side street behind the building.

"I know of this great little Cajun restaurant a few blocks from here if you think you can take the heat." Mustang had that devilish trade make smirk beaming full force when he glanced back at Edward. The blonde felt a familiar warmth settle in his core.

"I can take any heat you can dish out Roy." It seemed odd to be riding shot gun as the general drove. Normally one of his well trained lap dogs would do the driving. _'He must have wanted us to be alone.' _

"Somehow I highly doubt that Ed." They made small talk on the way to the restaurant talking about their respective days thus far. Edward of course left out his interesting conversation with his reflections.

It took only a few minutes to reach the tiny Cajun eatery. The place was very crowded but the host seemed to recognize Mustang and took them to on of the quieter sides of the dining floor as soon as they got through to door. It was a small circular table under a large stain glass window.

"This building is very old. It was actually a church originally." The flame alchemist commented upon seeing the intensity of the blonde's gaze at the entrecote glass work.

"I have never been one for church but I like the buildings." They sat down and ordered there drinks. The general insisted they get the jambalaya. So they sat once again making small talk as they waited for their food.

"So Ed, when are you going to tell me who Azen really is? And why Al doesn't seem to have any knowledge of who he is?" Edward froze, panic quickly rising in him. _'Fuck! When did he get a chance to talk to Al!' _

"I told you Azen is a friend. Al must not have gotten all his memories back? Could we talk about this another time?" He stated with as little emotion as possible. Unfortunately, Mustang didn't seem satisfied.

"No Ed. I want the truth. I know for a fact Al has never met him. I would like to meet him but can't even get you to talk about him. You can trust me Ed." The darkest blue was clouded by hurt and confusion and it was killing Edward to know it was the cause. _'But I can't tell him! He'll through me in the loony bin!' _

'_**No he won't. You can tell him Edward, about Azen and myself. Trust me, it will be ok for him to know.' **_The blonde couldn't help but look ever so slightly to the right at Abyss. The sudden shock must have showed on his face.

"Ed what is it?"

'_**Don't you dare do this Edward! He can't know. No one can ever know!' **_Azen was now behind Roy. He looked like hell. His normally pristine outfit was torn in several places. He looked manic. Jumpy, eyes darting back and forth, the picture of paranoid.

'_I'm sorry Azen I tired of the secrets. I sick of lying. Please forgive me. Abyss take care of him please?' _Abs turned to Azen, softening her expression.

'_**It will be okay Azen come with me. We can rest in my room.' **_She took hold of his shoulders and guided him toward the front of the building.

"Ed?" Fullmetal turned back to the Flame alchemist.

"What if I told you the Azen isn't real." Edward was griping his chair so hard he was afraid his automail hand might break it.

"What you've been lying about him this whole time?" He couldn't stand to look at his superior anymore. Instead the blonde focused on the window.

"No, Azen…. isn't a real person. He's a …. Reflection. Like a voice, well not just a voice really, I mean he's a person. But not like multiple personalities or anything." The eldest Elric covered his face with his hands. _'I sound fucking crazy! This was a bad idea. Damn it!' _

"Ed, look at me." The young man didn't move except the not so steady rise and fall of his shoulders. He could feel his chest tighten. Suddenly he was being pulled from his seat. _'Yep. He's going to take me to the loony bin! Damn it Abs this all your fault! Why the fuck did I listen to her.' _

"Edward, look at me." He was sitting again. There was sound of running water. _'I must be in a bathroom. Why did bring me here.' _He felt hands on his face that weren't his own. Slowly he looked up into the stormy blue. They seemed lighter than normal, concern swimming through the endless depths.

"I'm going to ask you a few questions to try and get a better understanding of what you just said. Is that all right?" Edward nodded.

"So Azen is in your head. He isn't real. Right?"

'_Well he's very real to me. I mean hell he's been there for me more than anyone. I'd be helplessly lost with out him and Abyss.' _Once again all the small alchemist could do was nod.

"Does he tell you to do bad things?" He frowned slightly.

"I wouldn't call them bad things." Mustang's expression hardened slightly.

"Do you always listen to him?"

"No."

"Is he the only one?"

"No." _'I'm so fucked.'_

"How many others are there?" Ed brought a hand to his chest trying to steady his breathing.

"One. She's new. Abyss showed up last night. She's very nice." _'Hell she was the one who convinced me it was a good idea to tell all of this.' _

"How long has this been going on?" His head was spinning this was just too much.

"I don't know! A year, a year and a half maybe two, I'm really not sure." Roy could tell he need to clam the panicking man soon or risk him having another break with reality.

"It's ok Ed. Thank you for telling me the truth. We will keep talking about this but I'm not going to tell anyone, okay? Just breathe." Edward did his best to take a few deep breaths before continuing.

"Do you think I'm crazy?" The blonde couldn't help but look up into the other man's eyes, searching for any signs of doubt or dishonesty.

"No. You are not crazy, Edward. You have been through hell and no one ever really taught you how to deal with all of it. So you found your own way of dealing with everything. It's okay, Ed. Now let's go eat." Mustang helped the still shaky young man to his feet. The rest of lunch passed with a much normalcy as could be had after such a conversation.

But throughout the meal, Roy was silently making plans to talk to one of the military psychologist once he got back to work. The general began to worry that his help alone would not be enough to save the troubled young man. _'I don't want to destroy his trust but it might be the only way to get him the help he needs. I hope he can forgive me.' _

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Ok guys please don't shot me! I know it's crazy for Ed to just spill the beans like that but trust me after keep a secret for so long you really want to be able to tell someone. It felt like the right thing to do. Please review! I especially want to know what you guys think about Mustang talking about alcohol. It's new territory for me and I really want to know what you guys think about it.


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